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Hi Ryan.  

Apologies in advance for this really pretty comment!  It's one of my pet peeves. "Lie" and "lay". Maybe I'm just too old, and maybe the language has shifted, but I think it should be "where he lay" not "where he laid". And "lying down to die" not "laying down to die". 


Apart from that, I enjoyed it. You ask whether it makes sense, and it does (all bar lay/lie!). More than that, it's got a good rhythm - easy to read, interesting language without pretentiousness or awkward literary flourishes.

And I'm suitably intrigued by the reference to Rome in an extract published under sci-fi and fantasy.

The only other thing I'd say is that the "waking in the dark" trope is a tad close to cliche. But it depends what you do with it, and I'm quite happy, on the basis of this  confident writing, to give it a chance.