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This is my one sentence pitch for a middle grade fantasy novel.

While journeying through the supernatural realm, will her twitching ears, gripping feet, unique powers and annoying blinking crystals be enough to complete the mission and stop the creepy, that's creeping in shadow creature - the halfling fay is about to find out.

Any feedback would gratefully be received.

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    • Hi Alison,

      Twitching ears and blinking crystals, how fun! You've put personality into the pitch but I don't really know what your novel is about. 

      Could you consider starting with who your novel is about and what her mission is? What's the inciting incident? Is it when she discovers she's half fay? What is the creepy shadow and what danger does it bring that the halfling needs to stop? Why does she need to journey through the supernatural realm?

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      • Maybe instead of annoying you could use the word incessant or ceaseless, to give the idea of endless repetition without a judgement.

        Julie is right. It is hard to know what the book is about. Is it ‘Mission Impossible’ …to fulfill this mission you must…

        Or

        She needs to get rid of creepy creep to stop the end of the world, type thing.

        Sounds fun though 

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        • Thanks guys for your constructive feedback. Please see below. Any better?


          Sucked into a supernatural realm, will her twitching ears, gripping feet, unique powers and ceaseless blinking crystals be enough to complete Moro’s quest to save her sister from the creepy that’s creeping in? A powerful shadow creature has killed the Queen and is now using an alchemy of dark magic to create the bleak and sinister realm he desires, but he can be stopped by a halfling fay who has the ability, but doesn’t know it yet.

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          • I like this one because it tells me more about whether or not I'd want to read it. It feels meatier if that makes sense. If you used 'nagging'  or 'tormenting' instead of ceaseless might that retain some of the personality you had in the first version? The honest answer. I don't know, but I did like how we got a wee sneak preview of her personality with the other that is more subdued in this one. Also. I just wrote my blurb and it sucks no matter what I do with it so probably best ignoring me :)


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            • Thank you for your feedback. Yeah, I agree. Tormenting sounds great. 

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            • *meatier (apologies)


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