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Hello all.  This is an extract from a 100 word story.  I'm looking to find a non-telly sentence that shows Mr Harper's character.

‘Good morning, Mr Harper,’ I chirp, loud enough to twitch next door’s curtain.  His good ear is slightly forward.  The other never recovered from the blast.  He refuses to use his stick, so his left knee trembles as he fights to straighten.  He insisted they leave the bullet in.

Or the alternative, They left the bullet in, apparantly, much to their disapproval.

Any other suggestions are most welcome.

Comments
  • Hi Charlie, this is great! I definitely prefer 'He insisted they leave the bullet in.' to the alternative. I think it's self-explanatory. 'Fights to straighten'... I'm not sure about that bit. Perhaps 'his left knee trembles as he straightens up.' or 'his left knee trembles as he stands to full attention.'

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    • Lovely.  Stands to full attention.  Yeah, I think I'll play around with that.  Nice one.  Cheers Ben.

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      • Definitely your first option. It tells us lot about his character as well as opening up questions about him.

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