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Here's another couple of sentences to have a go at. again all feedback much appreciated.

Typically, Michael was up and dressed by seven and was poking Percy with an umbrella from the cloak room at ten past. 

“Get your things and get out,” he said turning away as Percy woke with a shock, covering his eyes with the sheets as the curtains flew open and the light streamed in. Michael sucked on a cigarette, threw the umbrella onto the bed and left the room.

Comments
  • Nice characterful opening sentence there. I'm immediately intrigued by Michael and what his relationship to Percy is. The closing sentence also poses lots of questions. M doesn't seem to like Percy, but they're in the same house.

    The second sentence feels like a tiny POV jump, as 'shock' is more an emotional reaction than a physical one, and only Percy can know what his emotions are. Therefore the slight feeling of head hopping. You could have him jerk awake, and that would solve the problem.

    But I like it.

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    • Thanks again Kate. For context and clarity, they share a bed, occasionally. Michael is a bully and a sadist and hates Percy deep down. Percy is young and in love and easily manipulated (clearly).

      xxx 

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    • Very intriguing, Dave. I don't have much to add to Kate's comment. I found 'from the cloak room' a little bizarre, but I'm not sure why. I love the last sentence.

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      • Hi Ben, thanks again.

        The story is set in Victorian London. A cloakroom was another name for an adjacent room to a downstairs or common toilet (w/c) that Victorians often used for storing coats, boots etc. thanks again for your input and positive remarks.

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      • I must admit, was a little confused at the cloak room.  I imagine a cloak room being at a venue.

        Also, just a little technical thing to tighten it up:

        “Get your things and get out,” he said turning away as Percy woke with a shock,

        I read this as he made this demand after Percy woke with a shock, but then why would he have been shocked?

        A comma before 'turning' would convey that he shocked him awake then turned away.

        Interesting extract though.

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        • thanks Charlie - see my reply to Ben above, for a bit of an explanation of 'cloakroom'

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        • I see.  Missed that. Makes sense now.  Would work for your target reader then. Otherwise, could alienate the non-genre specififc reader.  I could really do with a cloak room.

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          • One thing with the choice of name, my puerile sense of humour saw Percy and the word poking and I went into willie-joke territory for a moment... also as a non-smoker, I always baulk at cigarette references, puts me off a character before I get to truly know them. That might just be me, though. On a positive note, I do like the tone, provides more questions than answers to the reader. 

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