This is a short story I've had to write for my Uni course, and I just wanted some professional thoughts on it. I was given 1500 words (roughly) to work with and it had to be in the genre of Fantasy Fiction. I won't go into too much detail, but its low fantasy with a rather despicable character who gets what's coming to him. Any feedback is most welcomed and appreciated.
Tom, I don't know about professional, however for what it's worth. I read it twice and I enjoyed it. I've met a few would-be Arthurs over the years. The story reminded me very much of Dennis Wheatley's writing but with more humour. Wheatley was my premier choice several decades ago. Had your story been a simple extract from a longer piece I would certainly have wanted to read the remainder.
There's an old saying that sex can pull a man further than dynamite can blow him, hence, I suppose, why The KIng of the library missed the succubus reference, the inverted cross and why he selected The Book of Tobit.
A few queries though:
P2 Para 2: No makeup covered her face, bar from the delicate coating of purple. Is 'from' necessary?
P2 next to last para: But if you helps any good. Apostropy in help(')s/
P3 para beginning: Honey, no, it's not what you think. Quite settled over the library. Quiet settled over the library?
P4 3rd para from bottom: Eerie quite engulfed him again. Quiet?
Totally irrelevant but when I read the ginger extract I half expected/wanted the succubus to become an inucbus in the form of Donald Trump. After all he'll shaft anything. Sorry.
Hi Ian, thanks for taking the time to read it, certainly means a lot!
I'm glad you enjoyed it though, and you're right with the would-be Arthur. I wanted to exaggerate those qualities to create a real scumbag character, in which readers could gain a smug satisfaction from as they witnessed him receive his just reward for his actions.
As for Dennis Wheatley, funnily enough, I've never read a book of his, heard of him before but now you've suggested his style, I'll definitely give his books a read!
You're welcome. It was a habit I picked up from my now deceased elder brother. I was only 11 at the time and The Devil Rides Out scared the pants off of me. To The Devil a Daughter, The Haunting of Toby Jugg and The Ka of Gifford Hillary are also good. There are quite a few more in case you get bored.