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Hello fine people!

This is a short story I've had to write for my Uni course, and I just wanted some professional thoughts on it. I was given 1500 words (roughly) to work with and it had to be in the genre of Fantasy Fiction. I won't go into too much detail, but its low fantasy with a rather despicable character who gets what's coming to him. Any feedback is most welcomed and appreciated. 

  • Tom, I don't know about professional, however for what it's worth. I read it twice and I enjoyed it. I've met a few would-be Arthurs over the years. The story reminded me very much of Dennis Wheatley's writing but with more humour. Wheatley was my premier choice several decades ago. Had your story been a simple extract from a longer piece I would certainly have wanted to read the remainder.

    There's an old saying that sex can pull a man further than dynamite can blow him, hence, I suppose, why The KIng of the library missed the succubus reference, the inverted cross and why he selected The Book of Tobit. 

    A few queries though:

    P2 Para 2: No makeup covered her face, bar from the delicate coating of purple. Is 'from' necessary?

    P2 next to last para: But if you helps any good. Apostropy in help(')s/

    P3 para beginning: Honey, no, it's not what you think. Quite settled over the library. Quiet settled over the library?

    P4 3rd para from bottom: Eerie quite engulfed him again. Quiet?

    Totally irrelevant but when I read the ginger extract I half expected/wanted the succubus to become an inucbus in the form of Donald Trump. After all he'll shaft anything. Sorry.

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    • Hi Ian, thanks for taking the time to read it, certainly means a lot! 

      I'm glad you enjoyed it though, and you're right with the would-be Arthur. I wanted to exaggerate those qualities to create a real scumbag character, in which readers could gain a smug satisfaction from as they witnessed him receive his just reward for his actions.

      As for Dennis Wheatley, funnily enough, I've never read a book of his, heard of him before but now you've suggested his style, I'll definitely give his books a read!  

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      • You're welcome. It was a habit I picked up from my now deceased elder brother. I was only 11 at the time and The Devil Rides Out scared the pants off of me. To The Devil a Daughter, The Haunting of Toby Jugg and The Ka of Gifford Hillary are also good. There are quite a few more in case you get bored.

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