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Apologies - two sentences below! I'm trying to convey that sense of recklessness felt when we are over-tired (almost like being drunk), that makes it easier to face something you fear. I haven't quite got it... any ideas? I also think it's a bit of a mess grammatically, which is why I'm (gulp!) posting it here...

The fatigue that followed the sleepless night was not unwelcome. His senses laboured underwater: sound muffled, vision blurred, dampening his fear at facing his neighbour.

  • I think I would need a lot more context to do a real job on this. However, my first inclination would be to invert:

    His senses laboured underwater, sound muffled, vision blurred, fear dampened; the (not un)welcome consequences of a lack of sleep.

    Yes, I dropped the mention of the neighbour. Maybe that's important. Maybe it belongs in another sentence where the action starts.

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    • Thank you, Rick. I can see how the inversion works here. You've also reminded me that it's better to write in the positive form, the welcome, as opposed to the negative, not unwelcome.

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    • Not sure I can help here. I would tend to get more anxious with lack of sleep. But I shall endeavour.

      Maybe something like

      The thought of facing his neighbour sent an annoyance to his stomach. 'Who cares,' said last nights lack of sleep. He would listen to that fatigue, not brave not bold, not giving a shit. .....etc

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      • Thanks Charlie! I also like the idea of an internal monologue here.

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      • Here's how I would write it, with view to sharp & short:

        (The f) Fatigue (that) followed the sleepless night. (was not unwelcome.) His senses laboured underwater: (sound) muffled sound, (vision) blurred vision, dampening (his) the fear (at) of facing his neighbour.

        Sorry, we don't have a strike-out tool here, so I used brackets to show what I'd cut out. Cutting out "was not welcome" does not alter the sentence, as we all know that fatigue is never welcome, obviously.

        I inverted nouns & qualifiers to sharpen the meaning, and cut a repetion "his".

        The sentence in bold is how I'd write it.

        All the best with your writing!... Sounds intriguing... 

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        • Except, in this case, the fatigue "was not unwelcome." An inversion of expectation. It is a benefit that lets him bypass the fear…

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          • Thanks, D.M.! I've been ruthlessly trying to cut words like 'that' recently, and I love how tight these sentences are. Part of the reason I was unsure of the grammar was the fear at/fear of - so you've cleared this up for me. I'll have a play around with Rick's 'welcome consequences' and your sharp n short sentences.

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