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Just a quickie:

A) Joe buried his hands in his trouser pockets, in an attempt to neutralise her urgency with patience.

B) Joe buried his hands in his trouser pockets, attempting to neutralise her urgency with patience.

Just changed A to B. Is this okay? Or am I breaking some forgotten rule... does that imply that the pockets are making the attempt??

(Also having issues with 'his'... Joe buried hands in his trouser pockets...?)

Thoughts? And if anyone else is editing please do post sentences of your own, the last few have all been me and I'd gladly reciprocate :)

Comments
  • Hi Ben. I don't think you're breaking a rule! But I slightly preferred your original; without the comma it flows better to my ear.

    But... may I make a cheeky observation / suggestion. Both versions tell us what Joe's doing rather than showing us (I know, I know...! 😉 ) I wonder if you could find a way of getting us more directly into Joe's head, and solve both the 'in an attempt' and the 'his' problems at the same time. Something like...

    "His heart rate quickened at her sudden urgency. He slowed his breathing and relaxed his stance, hands casually in his pockets, in a deliberate show of patience." 


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    • What Jon said - nice little show don't tell cameo.

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      • Excellent, many thanks!

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