Comment to 'Does this come across as racist? Or, as it is intended, as an explanation of a misunderstanding?'
  • Just read your story and I have to agree with the above comments. Sorry if the I am being too straight forward, but right now, unfortunately, it is coming across as preachy. Telling, as well as emotional distancing, such as "She felt her heart pounding in her chest as it tightened so she could hardly breathe," for instance could be "It was getting hard to breathe, what with her heart pounding so hard and her chest tightening in a vice-grip of fear." (Not great but just for example.) In short, I was not able to lose sight of the fact that I was reading, as opposed to becoming immersed in the events. No emotional involvement for me.

    No one else mentioned the first lines, but I had to take a second read because I thought the story was about Caroline, then it turned out to be about Cat. 

    Honestly, I think Anthony would have been a bit offended, or hurt, by her attitude. Understanding, maybe, but also hurt. Possibly even angry. Or, conversely, he may have wanted to reassure or soothe.  But I did not believe this story in my heart, the way it is currently written. Although I can definitely relate to taking the wrong trains (or whatever) and getting hopelessly lost in a big city. That is me, all over! THAT would send me into a near-panic reaction (and has, in the past.) That, combined with Cat's knee-jerk racism could indeed combine to reach a light-headed fever-pitch of emotion. So I know this story can work, with a little more work. I'd love it if, once she realized her overreaction, Cat could laugh at herself or chide herself for being silly. I'd  be kicking myself, having considered myself a liberal and then seeing how I reacted in real life. And I'd know I had a lot of soul-searching to do.

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