Comment to 'Feedback on Chapter 1 and 2'
  • Hi Rebecca,

    No need to be anxious. We're nice here - well, most of us!

    I read the first three pages - at close to 5,000 words, there is a great deal here. Your writing is descriptive. In some parts it's spare (lean). In other areas, there are opportunities to lose some words but improve the narrative. Here's an example:

    She reached the classroom door.  Pushing her weight against the oak, she entered the classroom. The door hinges shrieked.  

    Becomes:

    She reached the classroom door, pushed her weight against the oak and its shrieking hinges, and entered.  

    It's not much different, but perhaps a bit more streamlined. Also, the hinges have to shriek before she enters.

    Another:

    Eleanor cast her eyes down to her school bag, sitting on the desk.

    Becomes:

    Eleanor looked at her school bag (you have already said the bag is on the desk).

    The ability to make your point, still powerfully but in the fewest words, was a key learning point for me. It just takes practise.

    My other big recommendation is to introduce character dialogue as early as you can. I can't see any in the three pages I read.

    Good luck.

    Neal

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    • Hi Neal

      Thank you so much for taking the time to give me this feedback. I love it when someone points out something you just didn't notice. Of course her bag is on the table. 😁 I do become word blind after a while and I suppose it's just practice as you say. I will go back through with a fine toothcomb. 

      Yes apologies. That was a lot to upload! I am an over explainer and I think I just word dumped without thinking how much I had uploaded. Very grateful for your time in looking at the first few pages. Thank you very much!

      Best wishes

      Rebecca

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      • My pleasure, Rebecca.

        I might post something of my own later, so you will have your chance for revenge!

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