Comment to 'Feedback on Chapter 1 and 2'
  • Continued from above...

    Carmen’s smart cropped hairstyle accentuated her striking face.  She had strong make-up on and a perpetual scowl.  Carmen’s eyes were scanning the room of pupils and she was biting her lip. I can picture the sort of student Carmen is straight away but I think you need to do something to link your first two sentences here and I find myself what's the significance of her biting her lip? In what way is she biting it? What's it saying?

    Eleanor looked back outside.  It was so odd that a student had disappeared and she hadn’t heard a single word about it until now. Eleanor was painfully aware she didn't have any friends, but shouldn’t she have at least heard something?   It had happened only a few months before she had started. If it had been her old school, it would have been all anyone talked about for at least a year.  She sat staring out at the pristine grass and scanned over her memories of the last few weeks of school.  Nothing, not a hint of her.  It was as if a ghostly, shadowy presence filled in the gap just by its absence.  A pang of grief, for a girl she had never met, passed over her.  She shook her head slowly.  Poor Helen. 

    I get what you're trying to say here, but I reckon that groups of students tend to move on and forget things remarkably quickly. If whatever happened to Helen happened before Christmas, it would be ancient history by the time we get to after February half term. That said, if it had happened immediately before Christmas, you could imagine there should have been some gossip about it at the start of the new term in January. Eleanor could be wondering whether she'd missed catching that, being new.

    I do want to read chapter 2 (and more) at some point because I like the premise of the book and the hint already of what's to come with the prefects disappearing around a distant corner and walking into the classroom at the same time. Also, please do feel free to ignore everything I've said because I'm a novice myself so it could all be wrong.

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