Comment to 'Feedback on Chapter 1 and 2'
  • Hi Rebecca, I've just enjoyed reading your second chapter. I like the ongoing sense of tension in Eleanor. The development of these prefects who get away with dressing and acting however they like but who can obviously be quite cruel in applying to others the rules that they themselves seem to be above.

    I'm not sure I realised from your first chapter that Eleanor is wearing high heels and that seems a bit strange - is it part of the uniform? If so, it feels a bit odd. Perhaps that's intentional.

    I'm assuming there's going to be some development between her and Ryan and I like the hints you drop and her observations of him, particularly 'The Marlington uniform was immaculate, except when Ryan was wearing it' I wonder whether you could strengthen this a bit more by adding 'The Marlington uniform for boys was immaculate, except... Because you've already implied that things like the girls' kilt are a bit awkward and have then just talked about the high heels - perhaps Eleanor thinks the boys uniform looks better/easier. Just a suggestion, without knowing Eleanor very much yet.

    I'm not sure I'd have Ryan looking at her and frowning when he doesn't hear her. Isn't he still preoccupied with what his friends are doing? I'd imagine him asking 'What's that?' but still then immediately looking away from Eleanor to check on his friends again so that Eleanor wonders whether he'll even hear her the second time. Could you even put in her mind the desire to grab the form off him and write it in herself in order to speed things up for both of them (not that she actually does that)?

    Does she ever hand the form in?

    I noticed a little typo - You've written 'Disappoint was still biting hard' rather than Disappointment, I assume.

    I was taken completely by surprise to read that this big thing that she wanted to ask about at reception was to be considered for the running club. Fair enough, but why hasn't her sporting prowess shone through yet in PE lessons? Maybe because she's no good at hockey or whatever winter sports they play. Perhaps the headteacher could even hint at the fact that he's heard nothing of note about her from her PE teacher?

    I think you could simplify Mr Butterworth's words to say 'We pride ourselves on having a very close relationship with parents' - of course it's with the parents of our pupils.

    Also this sentence doesn't read quite right: Eleanor was barely listening she was staring, imagining if her Mum and Step-Dad were called into school.

    I would probably write it as Eleanor was barely listening. She stared into space, imagining her  Mum and Step-Dad being called into school. Or you could even jump straight to imagining her sitting between them in front of the headteacher.

    Also, why is Mr Butterworth asking her to let him know about the Advanced Philosophy class when he knows enough about her to know that she's not doing well academically and presumably that she's not been at the school for very long? Could he instead suggest that she would be better served spending more time on her core studies than thinking about getting involved in extra-curricular activities?

    Finally, what happened to the misdemeanour note? Could she either intentionally or absent mindedly scrunch it up in her hand at the end of the chapter? Or perhaps realise that this will be another black mark against her name for not having handed it in?

    Hope you don't feel I've been too critical. I like how things are developing and am looking forward to hopefully reading more soon.

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    • Hi Paul This is fab! Thank you so much! I will go through your notes with a fine toothcomb later but the feedback is really appreciated. I'm also hoping to find a minute later to read over your chapter 2 😁

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