Comment to 'Feedback on a scene'
  • One more thing...

    I just read it again and found myself wondering whether caged birds really do wait patiently. Like the hunter and prey, this is a slightly clichéd simile which doesn't really fit in with the rest of your narrative. I think I'd cut that bit too and start that sentence with 'He waited patiently...'

    Hope you don't feel I've cut it to pieces. It really is beautiful, but I think it would be even more beautiful with that little bit less 'fleshing out'.

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    • Thank you so much for your feedback and your kind words. I’ll definitely apply your suggestions to my writing. I was a bit worried that I was telling instead of showing that’s why I included the caged bird and hunter descriptions, but I’ll be sure to cut them out like you suggested.

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