Comment to 'Feedback on a scene'
  • Hi Hdiyl90, and thank you for sharing this.

    Like Paul says, the way you have played with different meanings of the same word and moved from one to the next is clever and engaging. Well done for sustaining this feature throughout the piece, too. It's a real strength of the piece!
    I also agree with Paul's comments on the opening line and the suggested cuts/changes. And I'll add one more: in line 7 you describe how the narrator's brother '...hoped his wrongdoings would be cleansed and washed away by the water.' but I wasn't sure what his wrongdoings were meant to have been. The line set me up to anticipate I'd be learning that the character had done something awful at some point; but in actual fact my takeaways were that the brother was the quintessential innocent victim, treated cruelly by fate/life/society time and time again. So, what I'm saying is that line 7 ended up feeling misleading to me.

    That little niggle aside, I thought this was really well written, well done ;-)

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    • Thank you so much for your feedback. I initially wrote about his wrongdoings with the intention of expanding on his flaws whilst touching on the injustices he faced as well, but I decided against it later on. Yes you’re right, I’ll just take it out and apply Paul’s suggestions as well.

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      • Although the talk of being cleansed from wrongdoings makes sense of your allusion to baptism. Could you perhaps leave it in but say 'any wrongdoings' instead of 'his wrongdoings' or use a less strong word in place of wrongdoings, e.g. failings?

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        • Thank you for your suggestion, Paul. It didn’t even occur to me, that could actually work well.

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