Comment to 'Feedback on a scene'
  • Good morning! I would just like to say, you have a lovely little piece here. Is it simply for practice or for something bigger? Either way, you have a wonderful style (and I am a huge fan of the first paragraph, though I do agree with Paul regarding a few of the cuts). 

    To be honest, the only thing I feel I can provide in terms of feedback is that the idea of what happened to her brother gets muddied a bit once you hit the sentence “He didn’t get the chance to clear his name because they believed he completely cleared out the cash register.”

    At first, I thought he was simply mistaken as the robber and they pointed fingers at him for convenience and lack of evidence did him in. But then, what apparently happened was the real thief took the money, he walked in as the thief ran out and the cashier pointed fingers at him and the cops arrived really quickly afterwards without him saying anything? And then they didn't find it suspicious that he didn't have any of the money on him?

    (Or he bolted as soon as she yelled at him, in which case that is also horribly suspicious and odd for him to do.) But, maybe change the words around a bit so that there is a clearer picture on what happened? 

    Also- this might be purely preference, but I know my eye has a tendency to get lost in really long paragraphs, so you could probably split it up a bit with each change of scene 

    This is also all my opinion and should be taken with a grain of salt. Either way, this is a really nice short with an amazing first paragraph and a powerful last line. You also set what caused his death from the very beginning which is nice (drowning has to be one of the worst ways to die, and since he's a capable swimmer, suicide is one of the easiest conclusions to go to.). All in all, an enjoyable read.

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    • Hi Jewlyn,

      Thank you so much for your feedback. Yes, this excerpt is part of a novel I’m writing. I wasn’t sure if my writing was very clear so I wanted to see if there were any aspects people weren’t sure of, so I’m glad you’ve pointed them out. 

      You’re right about the cash register bit, I‘ll take it out to avoid any confusion. Thank you for also pointing out the long paragraphs. I did notice it after I uploaded the file but I wasn’t sure if I could change it. I wrote this on the Scrivener app and just converted it to pdf when I was done, so I’ll be sure to edit it next time.

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