Hello! What worked for me was the sense of story. The narrator's brother's life has a story and it's an interesting one. But you're telling a lot of it in that excerpt. Could some of it be told later, through other memories or conversations? In my work-in-progress I wrote a detailed recollection of my main character recalling her mother's death - but in editing I had to be really strict with myself about how much of the detail was relevant to the main story and whether the length of the memory was distracting the reader's flow away from the present. :-) Hope my thoughts are useful in some way. If not, do ignore. Good luck with your writing!