Comment to 'Writing'
Comment to Writing
  • Hi Danny. Some minor technical issues aside (formatting mostly, as Neal points out) this bowls along in a very easy-to-read way. The dialogue is naturalistic in tone and funny, especially the second conversation between Natalie and Clare. It could be tightened and reduced a bit, perhaps; this occasionally reads like a verbatim transcription of conversation, which doesn't always work on the page. Or, as T.J. mentions, kept at the same length but broken up a bit with thoughts or actions.

    I confess I found myself questioning the believability of the scene at first. Unless they had a very relaxed and easy relationship, no experienced manager would risk speaking to an employee like this. And I was wondering why Natalie was seemingly so unperturbed by the inappropriateness of the conversation. But then, of course, the 'sting' at the end gave the reason why the scene plays out like it does.

    I would make one small observation which occurred to me on the first reading and was strengthened by a second reading. I can't help feeling - and this may just be me, of course - that although Natalie is your point of view character and your first person narrator, the scene has a slightly 'male' tone somehow. It's difficult to tell without further context of course, but I wonder if it might work even better if Natalie had a more distinctive narrative voice? 

    As I say, difficult to tell with a short excerpt like this. It's an enjoyable scene though, and I hope that Natalie ends up with a better specimen than Steve seems to be!

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