Comment to 'Writing'
Comment to Writing
  • Hi Danny,

    Like the others here, I really liked the set-up here, and the revelation in the closing sentence is brilliant :-) Steve as a character didn't seem very realistic, but from a 'comedy value' point of view, this wasn't necessarily a weakness, and I therefore felt it was forgivable. But like Alisa and Kelly, I enjoyed it enough to want to read more :-)

    I agree with what T.J. said about balancing the amount of dialogue with some scene-setting info.

    I also agree with John's and Rick's comments, so won't go over those again.

    Re: the 'maleness' of the POV (which it definitely has here), though, here's one way towards addressing it. Instead of saying: 'women threw themselves under racehorses, (well at least one of them did) and burned their bras' - which separates you from the gender you're talking about - say: 'we threw ourselves under racehorses (or at least one of us did) and burned our bras.' Most females would be more likely to do this instinctively, so your choice of nouns and pronouns here grates straight away as an inauthentically female voice.

    These references to stuff from so many years ago, though, does make the speaker sound 'old'. My suggestion would be - if you want/need her to sound younger - to think of more contemporary 'cultural symbols and indicators' she can reference as proof of female power and equality... Jacinta Ardern? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? Greta Thunberg? Malala Yousafzai? Or for lighter options... a female Dr Who! :-D

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