Comment to 'Feedback request - Contemporary Fantasy opening chapters'
  • Hi Lynn. I liked it! 

    Your opening paragraph hooked me in right away. Your writing is excellent so it drew me along the backstory, but I have to agree with Rick in that soon after your opening paragraph, I got confused. Especially when you switched to the dead girl's POV. I read all the way to the end and would keep reading. I really enjoyed it.

    I do have a suggestion, but take what I say with a grain of salt because I don't have nearly as much experience as you! I'd cut out all the back story and try to find a way to weave it in later. After your opening para, I'd jump straight to the present like this:

    Neil had seen ghosts all his life, but he’d never lived with one in his bathtub before. That would teach him not to rent property without viewing it first. Neil stumbled along the hall towards kitchen and kettle, passing the bathroom, the dead girl’s kingfisher light.

    I hope this helps, Julie😘

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    • Interesting differences. Because of Rick and Julie’s comments I read the piece again and I didn’t find it confusing at all. Moreover, I think the backstory is good because now you know what to expect from the interaction with Davey.

      I did think it was better on a second reading! 

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      • Thanks so much, Julie! I'm really glad you liked it enough to keep reading - that's a huge win as far as I'm concerned!

        I totally get your thoughts on cutting out the ghost girl section. I think I wrote it when I was less confident people world understand Neil's situation, but you're right, I could easily weave it in later as I have with other instances from Neil's past. Maybe this will cure the sender of being pulled around that Rick mentioned.

        Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for the encouragement

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        • Thanks so much, Georgina! Can I use that last sentence in the cover of I ever get published? 😊

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