Comment to 'What's the elevator pitch for your WIP?'
  • Hi Gianne,

    I'm sensing this is a romance(?) between a French Count and an artist, but I feel like so far this premise is too generic. I'd like to know some specifics regarding HOW/WHY "real life doesn't quite live up to the princess myth", as it's likely that your story's USP will exist somewhere in here.

    Also, I suggest you need to hint at whether this process is comical, tragic, enlightening, etc, so that we have some sense of the character and plot arcs.

    eg. 

    For [insert female MC's name], marrying Count____  reveals that the 'princess' lifestyle she had dreamed of is a fallacy. Can their relationship survive this harrowing/hilarious/enlightening/heartwarming discovery process?

    *insert appropriate adjective.

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    • Hi Gianne. Much better, I think! The only thing I would look to tweak a bit further is the second half. At the moment it doesn't quite work as part of a single sentence, since it's still being governed by the verb 'reveal'. I think it needs its own 'initiating action'.

      For artist Gigi, marrying Count Patrick reveals that the 'princess' lifestyle she had dreamed of is a fallacy. That realisation starts her on a transformative journey of acceptance, love, and loss.

      Or (shorter)...

      For artist Gigi, marrying Count Patrick reveals that the 'princess' lifestyle she had dreamed of is a fallacy, and starts a transformative journey of acceptance, love, and loss.

      It could pehaps be strengthened even further by giving a bit more of a specific hint about the nature of her transformation... 'journey of acceptance, love, and loss' is ok, but a bit 'general'. Who is she at the beginning, and who does she become at the end? That's the story. 

      But it's intriguing now. I'd certainly be interested! 🙂 

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      • Looking at Jon's offering, I have a serious questions. Is the transformative journey one of love acceptance and love, or towards them? They are very different propositions. I suspect it's the latter.

        This is further complicated in that it is almost acertainly a journey of loss. As such, those two aspects probably need to be separated into distinct fragments without a single preposition trying to do a false double duty.

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        • Thank you Jon for you comments.  This is the new version;

          For artist Gigi, marrying Count Patrick reveals that the 'princess' lifestyle she had dreamed of is a fallacy – yet propels her on a transformative journey of social acceptance, deep love and loss. 

          This also address Rick's comment (thank you Rick) of the story arc moving towards the events. The two adjectives; social (acceptance) and deep  (love and loss), hopefully makes it less generic.

          Your thoughts?  Wishing you happy holidays

          Gianne 

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