Comment to 'What's the elevator pitch for your WIP?'
  • Hi Gianne. Much better, I think! The only thing I would look to tweak a bit further is the second half. At the moment it doesn't quite work as part of a single sentence, since it's still being governed by the verb 'reveal'. I think it needs its own 'initiating action'.

    For artist Gigi, marrying Count Patrick reveals that the 'princess' lifestyle she had dreamed of is a fallacy. That realisation starts her on a transformative journey of acceptance, love, and loss.

    Or (shorter)...

    For artist Gigi, marrying Count Patrick reveals that the 'princess' lifestyle she had dreamed of is a fallacy, and starts a transformative journey of acceptance, love, and loss.

    It could pehaps be strengthened even further by giving a bit more of a specific hint about the nature of her transformation... 'journey of acceptance, love, and loss' is ok, but a bit 'general'. Who is she at the beginning, and who does she become at the end? That's the story. 

    But it's intriguing now. I'd certainly be interested! 🙂 

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    • Looking at Jon's offering, I have a serious questions. Is the transformative journey one of love acceptance and love, or towards them? They are very different propositions. I suspect it's the latter.

      This is further complicated in that it is almost acertainly a journey of loss. As such, those two aspects probably need to be separated into distinct fragments without a single preposition trying to do a false double duty.

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      • Thank you Jon for you comments.  This is the new version;

        For artist Gigi, marrying Count Patrick reveals that the 'princess' lifestyle she had dreamed of is a fallacy – yet propels her on a transformative journey of social acceptance, deep love and loss. 

        This also address Rick's comment (thank you Rick) of the story arc moving towards the events. The two adjectives; social (acceptance) and deep  (love and loss), hopefully makes it less generic.

        Your thoughts?  Wishing you happy holidays

        Gianne 

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