Hi again, thank you for sharing! I would just like to put in a little disclaimer that I give this feedback not as a professional but as an avid reader and someone still learning the craft, so please, take what works for you and ignore the rest!
I think it's great that you've introduced Kelly's goal so early on, because I want to just keep reading, to find out what is actually is and to see what she is doing to get closer to it. As I read, I felt I could build up a clearer picture of her and her circumstances without getting too much information in one go, which was great and it ends on a nice little cliffhanger which would definitely make me go on to the next chapter.
A couple of things that stood out to me:
- Most of this chapter is written in close third person, so we get a lot of Kelly's inner monologue. However a few phrases didn't fit so well. For example, you mention 'Kelly's children' and 'Kelly's daughter', though I am not sure she would refer to them like this. Perhaps 'the kids' or just 'Harvey and Georgia'. Another I noticed was 'opened her mouth in astonishment on her small round face' - it seemed like from a point of view so close inside Kelly's head, she is perhaps unlikely to describe her own face.
- It seems like a fair amount of information could be shown, rather than told in this, which would liven up the chapter a little. For example:
- ‘Sarah was late to take over from her but she was eager to be gone so that she could collect her two children and go home. ‘ Perhaps that could come out through a conversation she has with a passing colleague or a phone call to Sarah?
- 'Danny, the maintenance man' - could we learn his job by Kelly asking him how the maintenance work is going, or by his uniform or some other detail?
- 'Danny was becoming more overt' - again this could be shown through dialogue between the two. This way we can also learn more about Kelly in the way she reacts.
Where I think this is going:
I do get the impression that this would go on to be a domestic, character driven novel, where Kelly overcomes her personal anxieties / lack of self-confidence to achieve what she’s always dreamed of.
Things I could conceivably see happening include: Kelly's struggle to balance a business and twins, perhaps her mother-in-law becomes more interfering, maybe her ex-husband and new lover come back to cause trouble.
The tone/setting seems relatively light at the moment, so I would be surprised if this were to turn into a dark novel or something fantastical - but obviously anything can happen and this is just to give you an idea of how it initially comes across!
Hope this is useful :)