Comment to 'First Chapter Review'
  • Hi Blakeney,

    Thank you for sharing your writing with us!

    I think you had a strong opening.Those first two paragraphs brought me right in. You also have a story with an obvious conflict. As the chapter progressed the story began to unfold preparing us for the plot. I could see some of what your character wanted and I think you can develop it more through more use of dialogue. 

    You chose a great setting and I think you can elaborate more to give us the mood of the story maybe. I think you can be more descriptive.For example Danny the handyman has an attraction or interest in her - show this with more dialogue and description. Also, For example when the character goes to her mother in law to pick up the children, the mother in law mentions how the sitting room looks like a hurricane hit it. I  think if you can show us.

    I like the story so far. my impression about where the story is going is that the character is trying against many odds to prove herself and accomplish something. The way you have written the story so far really pulls the reader in since we are curious about what her dream is after being free to accomplish it. I like that you have put some obstacles in the way, - ie. the mother in law, the ex and his girlfriend, raising kids alone. 

    I look forward to reading more!

    0 0 0 0 0 0
    • I'm grateful for your comments, Nancy.

      As far as the opening is concerned, I was following advice in one of Harry's video tutorials.  He recommends using the Jane Austen "Pride And Prejudice" method, whereby she lets you know at the start what the novel is going to be about.  I'm glad it had the desired effect on you!

      As for being more descriptive, I wanted to avoid dragging the opening with too much of it.  My idea is to spend more time on creating mood and enhancing the setting later on but I'll see if I can do a bit more on that at the beginning.  I've chosen the seaside as a setting for my writing before.  That's partly because I like the seaside myself and because it can provide mood and plot opportunity.

      As far as describing the "hurricane" effect of the children, I would have thought that would be giving too much detail, except that you have pointed out where I can illustrate t a certain aspect of the mother-in-law's character.  I just hope I won't be overloading the opening chapter.

      I'm glad to know that you think I've pulled the reader in.  That's the idea.

      Thank you.

      0 0 0 0 0 0