Comment to 'First Chapter Review'
  • Yes, this is very useful, Kavisha.  ~Thank you for taking the trouble to give me your comments.

    As for one of your earlier points, I thought I had informed the reader that she wanted to open a cafe.  Perhaps this was done too subtly.  I'll take a look at that.

    I take your point about "Kelly's children" and "Kelly's daughter" as these are too distant and will be acted upon.  As for my reference to "small round face", I think this has to stay in.  This isn't so close to first person narrative as to exclude it and I do want the reader to be able to picture her.

    As to Danny becoming more overt, I agree that this should probably be illustrated by example.

    The book certainly isn't going to be about Kelly balancing business and twins.  In fact, they are going to be very much in the background.  It is about her struggle to achieve her goal and the ways in which she is thwarted.  Perhaps i need to hint more at this. There is going to be a dark turn when she disappears.

    You have given me some work to do but I appreciate your help.

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