Comment to 'Adventurer 101 xx Ch 1 - Pt 1'
  • X-factor,

    Really fun chapter...really short. A lot of heart and humor mixed in. I found myself wanting more... Also, I wanted to know how old Riddle is.

    When there is internal thought is can be italicized so, "I want to be like that," he thought. "I want to be an adventurer!" can be I want to be like that, he thought. I want to be an adventurer! and then later, if you continue to use his inner thought, you just italicize again and remove the "he thought"

    I wanted more of his room described, maybe even a little more of Riddle described too...I wanted to see more of his environment before we headed out into the other unknown world. (not necessary, but a thought).

    You could describe what a feemock looks like since the reader doesn't...I found myself wondering if it were like a horse? a cow? a sheep? a bull?

    I wonder if it would be beneficial if the woman who speaks with him at the board with the postings also had an accent? Again, just a thought...actually I was expecting it ha ha

    Overall, fun! I'd keep reading!

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    • Ahh! Thank you! I know I didn't really give a lot of description to Riddle or the feemocks; I was thinking he would be described between the lines and over a small period of time rather than right away. If that's not turning out very good though, I'll fix it! Riddle's age is described more by his thought process and the way he does things, like hopping out of his room and suddenly deciding to go on a daring quest, or his inability to reach up or read help wanted posters. It'll be revealed later in a hopefully natural way. He's 13, though, for your sake, hehe. 

      And as for the feemock and area descriptions, I was actually planning on adding illustrations later... ^^' I did try to describe the herd animals, but it felt... unnatural? Only because Riddle had lived around them, unlike Pipper, who he's never seen in person before. But thinking through it again, you make a very good point, agh-- 

      Sorry about the room and town descriptions, too. He's really only there for a short time before he dives into a more description-worthy world. ;) I really like your thoughts on the woman's accent, though. I was thinking just some rough voice, but do you have any ideas? I'd love the feedback!

      Thank you so much for reading-- This and the first bit of story. I'm glad someone out there finds some humor in my book, hehe. Do please keep reading! 

      -- X

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