Comment to 'Well, taking many of your excellent suggestions... I hope I've i...'
  • The additional setup, of Milo reaching out, resolves the head-hopping issue. I'd be very careful with it though. You've shown it takes a lot of effort. A lot of concentration. So, when the fightinh starts, there's a splintering of attention. It doesn't make sense for Milo to be able to keep that much focus on the boar while fighting and concentrating on his horse. And if he could, you would need to make a lot of structural changes to keep everything having a much tighter psychic focus all the time; the split between Milo's actions, the boar's, and the peripheral events is such that we are pulled back somewhat. To compensate, you would need to go a lot deeper.

    The logical alternative is that the attack snaps him out of the seeking trance, so he no longer has a direct link into the boar's mind.

    There are still a lot of niggle details that show through authorial awareness rather than character, and some parts of the choreography still feel off. But to call all those out, I would need a few hours and inline notes.

    Another logical aside - the physics of perception: in a moment of slowed time, senses would actually dull, not intensify. Imagine a second slowing enough to feel like a minute. In every perceived second of that minute, you'll only get 1/60th of the normal amount of light, odour, etc. So, moments of clarity are dark. Now, if this moment is a recoiling of Milo's expanded mind, everything snapping back at him, then you can beat the physics by calling it part of the magic, though you'll need (at least the first times it's experienced) to call it out as such. Though I would recommend being more specific in the intensity. Not just everything brighter, smells more intense. Perhaps it's edges that leap out, only the shrill sounds amplified (until the thump of his own heartbeat shatters it), a certain class of musky odours. Presuming this isn't the first time, that intensity is then a clean way of saying that Milo's senses are snapping back to just his own head.

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    • I was picturing it more like a freeze-frame slow-mo in a film, that frozen moment when all the sound disappears; then a flash of light, a streak of blood... in a movie there would likely be a flash of the horse's head rearing back - being a book, smell can be added (would smell-o-vision be cool, or gross?), then wham, movement, sound, back into motion...

      You always have such interesting insights, you make me think beyond "this is what happened", lol... This actually is the first time that he's really used his power (on purpose). He spent part of the book thinking he was going crazy, and some more building a wall around his mind (which is how he pictures holding his power at bay). This wall stays in place w/o additional concentration, as he spends a lot of time (mostly lying in bed at night) reinforcing it... 

      There is a tiny pinhole his mother left (when she was forced to abandon him - whole backstory he DNK), which he can't bring himself to close (though he could then be completely 'normal', which is what he thinks he wants)... He justifies it as a release valve, stopping his powers from building up and exploding, blowing the whole wall down... it also bleeds him information about those around him, which he uses empathically... so at the moment he's using a very small fraction of his power. We won't find out just HOW powerful he is until book two - if I live through book one!

      Sorry, probably TMI... I'll keep working on it... I think I'm getting there, now to battle those pesky adverbs... Present swords... 'er scissors!

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