Comment to 'Trying to perfect this pitch for my MS entitled “All The Noise W...'
  • Hi Angelica. These things are difficult, indeed. It's often a good idea to recite them, as any verbal clunkiness will be quickly apparent,

    In this case, "young sheltered businesswoman" is a mouthful. Your character is a woman; you ahve to keep that (though you could give her name instead, as that might give us a bit more detail (origin) without adding words). Businesswoman: is that relevant? Sheltered: it matters to the detail if the story, but does it to the pitch? Is does sheltered contradict business? Young: a bit generic, but likely captures much of what you mean with sheltered.

    You could likely cut it to just her name. If you keep it as woman, then you likely want to cur to a single adjective.

    As to the wider premise, I think you need to expose the reasoning a bit more. Currently, you have five elements with minimal relations. You have a personal conflice between love and faith (that's three elements); those are fine. Then you throw in filmmaking, which is unrelated (it's only relation is to the disparity with having been a businesswoman prior to the decision). And you throw in another country, which only connects if one makes the assumption that your protagonist is moving to her lover's native country and embracing the local religion, (Which sounds very much like something I've come across elsewhere recently.)

    The disjointedness of those elements is probably amplified by the use of the word pursue: that's goal-speak. It's a story-driver word. Is the cinematography the driving gforce of your story, or is it simply the tapestry against which the story is told? If the latter, pursue career is the wrong pairing; if the former, it's the rest that's out of place.

    Sorry to have torn it apart and provided no semblence of an answer.

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