Comment to 'Apologies - two sentences below! I'm trying to convey that sense...'
  • Here's how I would write it, with view to sharp & short:

    (The f) Fatigue (that) followed the sleepless night. (was not unwelcome.) His senses laboured underwater: (sound) muffled sound, (vision) blurred vision, dampening (his) the fear (at) of facing his neighbour.

    Sorry, we don't have a strike-out tool here, so I used brackets to show what I'd cut out. Cutting out "was not welcome" does not alter the sentence, as we all know that fatigue is never welcome, obviously.

    I inverted nouns & qualifiers to sharpen the meaning, and cut a repetion "his".

    The sentence in bold is how I'd write it.

    All the best with your writing!... Sounds intriguing... 

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    • Except, in this case, the fatigue "was not unwelcome." An inversion of expectation. It is a benefit that lets him bypass the fear…

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      • Thanks, D.M.! I've been ruthlessly trying to cut words like 'that' recently, and I love how tight these sentences are. Part of the reason I was unsure of the grammar was the fear at/fear of - so you've cleared this up for me. I'll have a play around with Rick's 'welcome consequences' and your sharp n short sentences.

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