Comment to 'Just a quickie:A) Joe buried his hands in his trouser pockets, i...'
  • Hi Ben. I don't think you're breaking a rule! But I slightly preferred your original; without the comma it flows better to my ear.

    But... may I make a cheeky observation / suggestion. Both versions tell us what Joe's doing rather than showing us (I know, I know...! 😉 ) I wonder if you could find a way of getting us more directly into Joe's head, and solve both the 'in an attempt' and the 'his' problems at the same time. Something like...

    "His heart rate quickened at her sudden urgency. He slowed his breathing and relaxed his stance, hands casually in his pockets, in a deliberate show of patience." 


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