Comment to 'Hi. I wrote this a while ago. The aim, to some extent, was to ex...'
  • Hi Peter. Thanks for sharing. 

    Is this solely to experiment with a female voice or are you trying to create an engaging story? If it's the former, I think youv'e done well with the voice. I like Lucy, and can see a quite ordinary, reserved lady sitting there reminiscing about her wild rock n roll days. If it's that latter, although it was an easy read and well written, albeit a little tightening needed in places, there's not enough of a story there for me. There's no strong conflict, and not enough emotion, seeing as though her husband had recently passed. 

    I agree with Constance that the story could have been started later. The beginning seemed not to lead anywhere, and the relationship with her late husband and band members was the core of the story. That's where it needs to start. Particularly as the death of her husband came across to me as just a passing comment.

    I hope this helps. Well done for leaving your comfort zone and experimenting with another gender. I like doing this. It can really broaden our understanding of psyche and behaviour.

    Oh, one more thing. I'm assuming this is a story set in Britain, but Mommy is generally an American way of spelling.

    0 0 0 0 0 0
    • Hi Charlie. Thanks for the feedback. The story was written originally for a local writers' group meeting (Obviously - it's been a while since we last met up face-to-face, due to Covid). I feel that these sort of gender swaps are potentially useful anyway, as they're good practice for POV changes in longer stories, including the romances I write. I'm not sure about the Mommy issue (American?). The alternative, I guess, would be 'Mummy'.

      0 0 0 0 0 0