Comment to 'Hi Alison,Thanks for posting this. It certainly seems to have th...'
  • Hi Alison N,

    I enjoyed reading your first chapter. I'm interested to see what happens next! 

    I had trouble visualizing the scenes though. Your opening sentence puts us in the attic but I assumed it was the girl's bedroom. It wasn't until later that I realized she had gone to the attic to get a book. 

    She opens the window to let in Jack, then I took this to mean she closed the window: 

    After securing the latch, I glanced back at Jack... but later in the story, Jack flies out the still open window.

     I guessed he heard something outside as he shot like a fire cracker, towards the still opened window. I ran over and stuck my head out, trying to spot him. Up he flew into the night sky. Up into the far reaches of a nearby tree. Nothing strange appeared to be out there. I spotted The Secret Garden just after I locked it. With the book tucked under my arm, I closed the drawer and popped the key in my jeans pocket. I almost closed the door behind me until… 

    I don't understand this partWhat's the Secret Garden? I assume you mean to say she's locking the window but 'it' refers to the secret garden. Where did the book come from? She was running her finger along the spines looking for one when Jack distracts her with the key. Oh! As I'm writing this I figured it out, the book is The Secret Garden, duh. Sorry. I should probably delete this 'cause I'll look pretty stupid, but maybe you could reword this part and start a new paragraph; I visualized her head out the window looking outside, so the 'secret garden' confused me.

    I like the Spellbinder chair and the rest was a perfect read for Halloween night! It needs an edit but I think you have a good story. 

    Thank you for sharing.

    J  

       


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