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Added a post  to  , Perfect your pitch

Trying to perfect this pitch for my MS entitled “All The Noise We Conceal”:

 - Torn between faith and love, a young sheltered business woman drops everything to pursue a career in filmmaking to another country.

    • Good day Angelina, It is always difficult to comment on finding a perfect pitch when you do not know the full background of the book. I feel that yours at the moment has too many words which are affecting the grip. 

      i.e. My offer of an idea =

      Could faith guide a woman to find love and the Martini shot?

      Just an idea. Good luck with your book sounds really interesting. 

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      • Hi Angelica. These things are difficult, indeed. It's often a good idea to recite them, as any verbal clunkiness will be quickly apparent,

        In this case, "young sheltered businesswoman" is a mouthful. Your character is a woman; you ahve to keep that (though you could give her name instead, as that might give us a bit more detail (origin) without adding words). Businesswoman: is that relevant? Sheltered: it matters to the detail if the story, but does it to the pitch? Is does sheltered contradict business? Young: a bit generic, but likely captures much of what you mean with sheltered.

        You could likely cut it to just her name. If you keep it as woman, then you likely want to cur to a single adjective.

        As to the wider premise, I think you need to expose the reasoning a bit more. Currently, you have five elements with minimal relations. You have a personal conflice between love and faith (that's three elements); those are fine. Then you throw in filmmaking, which is unrelated (it's only relation is to the disparity with having been a businesswoman prior to the decision). And you throw in another country, which only connects if one makes the assumption that your protagonist is moving to her lover's native country and embracing the local religion, (Which sounds very much like something I've come across elsewhere recently.)

        The disjointedness of those elements is probably amplified by the use of the word pursue: that's goal-speak. It's a story-driver word. Is the cinematography the driving gforce of your story, or is it simply the tapestry against which the story is told? If the latter, pursue career is the wrong pairing; if the former, it's the rest that's out of place.

        Sorry to have torn it apart and provided no semblence of an answer.

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        • Hi Angelica, I agree with Rick that the pitch is a rather a mish-mash of things which don't feel sufficiently connected. I feel like I'm searching for the woman's priorities. What is the object of her love - a person, a country, filmmaking? Or is it faith? Which is the most important, the filmmaking, the lover (if there is one)  or the foreign country? Whichever it is, why does faith stand in the way? Or does her home  country as well as her faith prevent her from getting what she most wants?

          Pitches are very hard to write. What is the story really about? Is it finding love with a person or is it dealing with questions of faith? Is it about finding a career? Maybe the main theme is what it's like to have to leave home in search of happiness and all the pain that particular journey throws up. 

          Then there's the more specific information that I think you need. In what way is she sheltered? She's managing to run a business. What country does she start in and which one does she move to. Why filmmaking - is her business connected to film or has she been told she has a particular talent for film. Why is she torn - what exactly is the dilemma? 

          Finally you need a continuing sense of story. At present you've got the set up and her first decision - to move elsewhere. What readers want to know now is what happens as a result of that decision and what challenges her most. What's the most difficult thing she has to overcome?

          All this in one short paragraph :) 

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