Feed Item
Added a post  to  , Perfect your pitch

Hi, this is my first post to Jericho and I’m a little nervous. My manuscript is with my editor and she’s set me working on things like my elevator pitch and I’m struggling with it.

 

My book is a memoire of my life in the 90’s, to jump in and out myself to you all… As I came out I was groomed and abused. I didn’t sit down with the intention of writing this, but I have it now, as well as countless hours of therapy under my belt and an increasingly large police case moving forward.

The pitch however I’m finding even harder than the synopsis. I’m not know for speaking in short or concise sentences, add in that I struggle with feeling like I’m being dramatic I am finding it difficult to say the least.

This is what I have so far.

The summer of 1996 brought a welcome change to Richard’s life. At the age of 14 he enters a world where he can be free and be himself for the first time. Within the year he will be a completely different person. 

Be careful who you trust, be more careful who you love.

 

I welcome all feedback, or suggestions. I feel I’m missing a hook but don’t know what is too much to put in this.

Comments
    • Sounds intriguing!

      I've been lucky to have help from this group so would like to try to help others (although I find pitch writing really tricky myself).

      You say:

      "Within the year he will be a completely different person.

      Be careful who you trust, be more careful who you love. 

      I think the reader needs more of a clue as to why he will be a different person or why he has to be careful about who he trusts and loves.

      Good luck.

      0 0 0 0 0 0
      • Is this any better?

        Growing up gay Richard felt the pain from the isolation it caused him. The summer of 1996, aged 14, he ventures into the pubs and clubs of his town where for the first time he is free to be himself. A child in an adult world his innocence is visible to those that want to nurture him, and those that don’t.

        Be careful who you trust, be more careful who you love.

        0 0 0 0 0 0
        • Yes definitely!

          I think Libby's comments below are really good - I find pitch writing really tricky and I think her advice is better than anything I could come up with.

          0 0 0 0 0 0
        • Thank you that's very helpful. My initial thoughts are to rewrite with something about "Venturing into an adult world while still a child" and then touch on relationships and trust.


          Thank you again, I'll let this sink in and marinade in my brain for a while.

          0 0 0 0 0 0
          • I think this is very good, Richard. I really like the part which is the actual pitch, "Be careful who you trust, be more careful who you love." 

            See what other people say but the general advice would be to put the pitch first. The blurb that comes next is also good though I think it needs editing and building up a little more. 

            The following is only my opinion. Others will have different -- probably better! -- ideas. Also, of course, read my suggestions in view of what works for you.

            Growing up gay, [add a comma here] Richard felt feels [blurbs are generally written in present tense] the pain of isolation.  [Maybe show the isolation instead of stating it. "Richard is growing up gay. His family doesn't know and he has no friends", or whatever is right for your story.] In the summer of 1996, aged 14, he ventures into goes to [short words generally have more impact than longer ones]  the pubs and clubs of his town and for the first time, he is free to be himself. A child in an adult world, [comma here] his innocence is clear ["clear" is a stronger word that "visible"] to those that want to nurture him, and those that don’t. [Hint at what happens next - what is the first event in your story that shows him in danger? You already have a tense situation and saying a little bit more will show potential readers that your story has a strong narrative, that stuff is going to happen.] 


            0 0 0 0 0 0
            • I loved your idea of expanding more on what's to come, but struggled to touch on it without going into detail. This is what I came up with.


              Be careful who you trust, be more careful who you love.

              Growing up gay with only his mother to confide in, Richard feels the pain of isolation. In the summer of 1996, aged 14, he goes to the pubs and clubs of his town and for the first time, he is free to be himself. A child in an adult world, his innocence is clear to those that want to nurture him, and those that don’t. The price he starts to pay for his freedom will reform his beliefs of self-worth, and love, forever.

              0 0 0 0 0 0
              • Hi Richard, I'm probably being confusing.  

                This is a link to elevator pitches (the short description contained in a sentence or two) that's designed to grab the attention of an agent, marketing people, booksellers and readers. It's a kind of definition of the heart of the book:

                https://jerichowriters.com/how-to-write-an-elevator-pitch-for-your-novel/

                A blurb is also used to sell the book but more to readers than to publishing professionals. It's the somewhat longer description on the back of a print book or as a description on a website. You want it to be a taster of the story without giving too much plot away. You're right that it's also a pitch -- you are pitching the book to readers. 

                 https://aimeewalkerproofreader.com/writing/how-to-write-the-best-blurb/

                What you've written comes across as a blurb to me. If you were writing to an agent asking for representation you'd do something more like this:

                https://jerichowriters.com/read-a-sample-literary-agent-query-letter-with-hints-tips/ 

                You can also include the elevator pitch in a letter. NB always follow the instructions on an agent's website as they can vary from agent to agent.




                0 0 0 0 0 0
                • Thank you so much, that's all really helpful xx

                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                • Sorry Richard, am only just now replying to your other question. Your new last sentence is "The price he starts to pay for his freedom will reform his beliefs of self-worth, and love, forever." This is good in that it shows there's an ongoing story but I think if you're writing a blurb it needs to be more specific at the start of the sentence. You don't want to give the plot away but you do want to hook readers. They'll want something a little more concrete, something they can understand and relate to or be interested in. If you can anchor the sentence with something brief, I think the rest is fine.

                  It's a difficult balance but good luck with it.

                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                  Not logged in users can't 'Comments Post'.
                  Info