• 334

My first 'short story'

Hi, 

I would be really grateful and interested in people's thoughts on this, my first short story. (I am an experienced playwright who recently wrote a novel which I am trying to get published, but I've never written anything like this before)

Two things I'm interested in, firstly if the actual words work! I know it is not a traditional short story, at times it feels more like a long poem, and I know that it may not be to everyone's taste. But I am keen to see how people interpret or respond to it. Secondly, I would appreciate thoughts on what could be done with this in terms of 'getting it out there' I am guessing there are short story competitions, also I wonder how easy it might be to get short stories submitted to journals or magazines etc. Linked to this is the question of whether agents or publishers are open to approach with short stories rather than novels. Do you have to have a collection?

PS. I watched a SFoW webinar last week with two agents, and one of them said that a real 'no no' for them is any novel that begins with someone waking up. I have heard this sort of criticism before, and I get that it is a cliché, but in my defence, this story's timespan is only about an hour, and for reasons that I hope are clear, I wanted to watch my protagonist wake up. Is that REALLY a deal breaker???

0 0 0 0 0 0
Attachments
Replies (53)
    • Oh gosh, it certainly works for me. Whatever it is, I felt it. I’ll be intrigued to see what feedback and advice others offer, but I was definitely  moved by it. Thanks for sharing.

      0 0 0 0 0 0
      • Thank you CatherineDj! That's very kind of you. I'm glad you got it.

        0 0 0 0 0 0
      • Beautiful David. A very emotive piece. These are a few of my favourite lines...

        Before the first lie is spoken. Before most have woken.

        Connie speaks to him sometimes, when she forgets he’s gone, or most times when she remembers.

        Using buttery fingers, he licked the bowl clean. Like the child they never had.

        The aching lack, of arms not holding.

        Like a soul that’s returning to something forgotten.

        As for where to submit there are lots of literary magazines have a look on twitter or here. 


        0 0 0 0 0 0
        • Thank you Caron. So glad you like it! 

          0 0 0 0 0 0
        • Hi David,

          I really, really like this. This sort of language, stream of consciousness, resonance between objects and sensations apparently unconnected, are very much to my taste, I like Joyce, Woolf, Faulkner, etc. But it’s not easy to pull off, and the idea is original and the whole is well done. ‘Hats off’ for a first short story.

          I’ve used a little code after page numbers: ‘t’ = top; ‘m’ = middle, ‘b’ = bottom

          The story:

          For the waking up: I don’t see a problem. I’ve heard agents say what you heard too, but what they mean is relying a ‘physiological beginning’ to begin the text. It’s a cliché and shows a lack of invention. One could hardly say these things about your first paragraphs.

          A very partial list of some of the things I loved in this story:

          legs swinging from the pew that chewed the back of her knees in summers.

          Shifting dappled green at the grass green glass

          Your word play:  hide and seekage – I like the phrase itself, and the way ‘seekage’ bounces off ‘leakage’ & ‘weepage’; Gone half off before it’s half gone; Lost an hour wrapt in that; Long life. Longing wife. Not long now.

          Parallel of watering plants & tea for Constance

          pavement in shady spill from the high wall

          Your evocation of bird song, p. 3 and of the birds from this point on. Evocation of the absent husband.

          The Christmas calendar boy

          two feet wedged with folded bus times

          The aching lack, of arms not holding. 

          Style

          I hesitate saying much about style in a piece like this. It’s very personal and individual. I just wonder if you if you might aim for more concision sometimes, simply because it could strength the rhythm and forward movement; rhythm is so important in this piece. (p. 2t, eg. ‘trajectory’ upsets the rhythm; ‘path’ instead???) So, eg. in para 3, so small as to be non-existent → ‘almost non-existent’??? Do you need ‘She was troubled.’ (in this case, also see POV remarks below) A sense of losing things → ‘Losing things’???

          POV – This is the one problem that I see in the text. Switches from stream of consciousness to 3rd person narration are jarring. This is especially true on p. 4t, para: ‘Apart from plants…’Why don’t you simply stay in Constance’s head? The entire style – word choice, rhythm, sound – invites that. If you don’t want to use ‘I’ for some reason, you could simply drop it in many cases – though not all.

          p. 3t looking grand, her husband  Why not ‘husband’ (better than ‘my husband’, I think, given the state she’s in.)

          p3b Her speaking out loud could be indicated by quotation marks

          A writer can move between level 5 of narrative distance, which is where you are most of the time, and level 4, where the narrator takes over a bit. But I don’t really see the rationale for an exterior narrator here. I understand that you might want one in the last section, and maybe even the first. You could use them there. But within sections, POV either needs to remain consistent or else there needs to be a good reason for switching between levels 4 & 5, one that serves the story. At present, the switching seems random. I even think that you could do the first and final sections in stream of consciousness with some rewriting. Although the final one might be a challenge, it seems possible. Have you tried that? The story would probably be stronger for it.

          xxx

          p. 2b ‘could do it blindfold’ → blindfolded

          Publishing

          As far as I know, an agent would expect a collection. You could start out by submitting to literary magazines, on-line and off. Be sure to consult the list of those vetted by the Alliance of Independent Authors before you submit to anyone.

          https://selfpublishingadvice.org/author-awards-contests-rated-reviewed/

          Kate, Libby and DM Costa know much more about publishing possibilities that I do. If they don’t respond to the story, you could ask them.

          I’m curious about your novel. What is it like? Thanks so much for posting this, and best of luck,

          Janet

           

          0 0 0 0 0 0
          • Thank you so much Janet for both your kind words of encouragement and your thoughtful analysis. That has given me a lot to think about. I agree that rhythm is vital in this piece and I like the look of your suggestions. I will look at the whole pov/ narrator/first person thing, it is a fascinating area. I don't know as much about these technical classifications as you do. I feel comfortable with the switching from observing to being in Connie's head, but perhaps that is the familiarity of the writer that won't be shared by the reader. I'll look at that. Perhaps my theatrical background leads me to write with the piece being spoken in mind. I have actually asked an actor friend of mine to record it like an extended monologue. I know exactly how I would deal with the 'leaps of storytelling change' if it was spoken. But as a short story, maybe I need to look at being more consistent.  This has been such valuable feedback, thank you.

            And thanks too for your advice on publishing.

            My novel, well it is not exactly like this! But there are many similarities!!

            All the best,

            David

            0 0 0 0 0 0
            • Hi David,

              What you say about the extended monologue is interesting. A short story can be written as an interior monologue, and many have been. If you want to delve into narrative distance a little, you could take a look at this link for some subtleties about it. Unfortunately the writer breaks off just as she is getting into interior monologue and stream of consciousness.

              https://sallmanediting.com/resources-1/2019/12/20/the-incarnation-when-god-changed-his-point-of-view-and-other-notes-on-narrative-distance

              Emma Darwin has a more complete and what you called ‘technical’ discussion of the subject, and it’s her classifications that I mentioned. Though, it’s really about knowing the tools at your disposal and what kinds of effects they make possible.

              https://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/psychic-distance-what-it-is-and-how-to-use-it.html

              She has devoted a post to internal narration, but the examples she uses aren’t really like your story.

              https://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/2011/10/point-of-view-narrators-2-internal-narrators.html

              I can really see an adaptation of this piece as modern dance. Does the name Angelin Preljocaj mean anything to you? His work ranges from violent and vigorous choreography as social and political commentary to very original lyricism. There’s not much on youtube right now showing the lyricism, but if you’re at all interested, you could take a look at this page, the 3rd screen down, Le Parc, first 35 seconds

              https://www.lavant-seine.com/angelin-preljocaj-en-cinq-choregraphies/

              Preljocaj has a dance centre in Aix-en-Provence. If you wanted explore the possibility of an adaptation, you could write to him…

               

              0 0 0 0 0 0
            • Hi David, 

              Sorry I haven't got time to read and feedback on your story but I wanted to give some information about publishing options.

              Agents very seldom represent short story writers because short story collections are incredibly hard to sell. So unless you have won or place in a major competition i.e. the Sunday Times / BBC / Costa short story prize it would be almost impossible to get an agent on the strength of short stories alone.

              There are quite a few indie publishers who take on submission for short story collections directly, such as Reflex Press, Ad-Hoc Fiction, Retreat West, Ellipsis Zine however they usually expect about 1/3 of stories in the collection to have been published in magazines first.

              About submitting short stories, there are platforms such as Submittable and Submission Grinder where you can search for and submit to magazines for publication or competitions. There is also a really big short story community on Twitter (writers and magazines) and you can find out a lot about open submission and competition news on there.

              I hope this helps.

              0 0 0 0 0 0
              • Thank you so much L, that is all excellent info and advice, I suspected as much re. agents. I will follow up all your tips, I feel this is a whole new world to discover!

                Thanks again

                0 0 0 0 0 0
              • I have nothing really to add to what's already been said, David, except that I really, really loved this. As Janet indicated, I think there are a couple of places where the PoV could be tweaked to be a little more consistent. But the language, the pace, the mood, the feel, the emotional resonance... all are just great.

                What a lovely piece of work.

                0 0 0 0 0 0
                • Ahh Jon thank you so much! That is so good to hear. I've had this story running around in my head for a few months now, it is partly inspired by my mother (who isn't called Connie, and last thing I knew hadn't been carried off by birds!) so it is quite close to me emotionally. I have taken the last week or so to finally get round to writing it and I have been totally consumed by it. But you never know how much something will connect with others, so your comments are most welcome!

                  Thank you

                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                • This is fab, David. Janet has nailed the critique, so nothing of value I can add except: more please!

                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                  • Wow, thank you Graham! You know, you and Jon are the first men (other than me!) to read this and I was keen to find out how it would go down with each gender, it is heart-warming to read your comments. I will keep going!

                    Thanks

                    0 0 0 0 0 0
                  • I feel like that, when I’ve had too much coffee, but it is all yours, the thoughts, the romance. Don’t be off put by my cynicism. When Connie starts talking to the birds, does she reflect on him?? I was wondering about that piece I had, that started from a dream, but it never really hit reality.

                    0 0 0 0 0 0
                    • Thanks Eyebrow (can I call you Eyebrow?) how could I be put off by your cynicism? I think he is always with Connie, despite being gone for 40 years, she connects to him through his 'beloved birds'. You should get your piece out on paper (or screen), dreams can be great starting points. Good luck.

                      0 0 0 0 0 0
                    • Moving.

                      0 0 0 0 0 0
                      • Thank you for reading Cathy, I'm so glad it worked for you.

                        0 0 0 0 0 0
                      • 0 0 0 0 0 0
                        • Thanks so much Kate, I'll look into that.

                          0 0 0 0 0 0
                        • Thanks for sharing David. This is beautiful. Very evocative. 

                          0 0 0 0 0 0
                          • Ahh thank you Kate! That is so kind. I was trying for beautiful, it is inspired by my 83 year old mother who is a beautiful soul.

                            0 0 0 0 0 0
                          • Here, I have re-worked this today so that it is all in first person. What do people think?

                            0 0 0 0 0 0
                            • Hi David,

                              I think you’ve done this beautifully. Are you happy with it? I feel that I’m completely in Connie’s head now and am more moved than in reading the first version. There’s a kind of wholeness in this one, you could say, and greater simplicity, The fact that you’ve not used a lot of the personal pronoun or written, eg., “a shoulder” instead of “my shoulder” adds to that, because the illusion of being completely in her consciousness is stronger.

                              Just two questions...

                              There’s one important detail that had me confused a bit. I suppose at the end of the 3rd para, she’s addressing her husband when she asks, ‘Can you hear me?’ If so, there needs to be a comma after ‘me’. Or does she imagine the question coming from her husband? If that’s the case, you need to slip in a hint that it’s his voice.

                              And there’s just one place where you seem to have lost the original meaning and the new one isn’t entirely clear: “The sun folds around in motes”. Could you say something like “enfolded in sunlight, in motes…”???

                              The last section is beautiful, don’t you think?! 

                              Now you need to send it out. Bravo!

                              0 0 0 0 0 0
                              • Morning Janet, thank you. I think there are many positives in this version, it's hard for me to let go of the other version, partly because I've spent more time with it and in my head it worked. What I liked about the other one was the fact that it made the read less 'comfortable' I like a story that demands work from its reader and I think we've lost that a little with the new one. Also the first version with its distance meant that some of the more knowing, the more cynical observations (such as 'before the first lie is spoken') were not necessarily Connie thoughts, therefore Connie remains innocent, stoic, weary but positive. I think being on the outside and observing connie can increase the pity for her and the sense of watching her, trying to work her out, whereas the first person puts her 'in control' of the narrative and I didn't want it to feel like Connie is in control. She is a person who is humble, honest, hard working, patient. Not a driver. So yes, I do see the improvements as a result of the change, but I need to read it a few more times to convince myself I haven't changed the fundamental essence of her character. 

                                Thankyou for your thoughtful and kind comments, it's always good to challenge ones writing and this is fascinating.

                                About your two questions, yes, they are easy to fix. The sunlight line is a good example of what I'm saying; Connie would not be knowing enough to describe her own appearance as 'childlike' so that had to go, and it was a shame to lose that as for me that drew sympathy for this shrunken lady...



                                0 0 0 0 0 0
                              • Hi David

                                I've really enjoyed reading both versions. My thoughts are just that, and please consider or ignore them as you see fit. I especially like the rhythms and rhymes, the visual imagery and the link to Connie's husband through the birds - the mechanics of the story if you like, though that's far too heavy a word for the delicacy you've drawn.

                                I much prefer the first version in close third person. For me, the first-person version makes Constance too cognitively aware, as you say, in control,  as if she's solidly in this realm rather than slipping towards another. I also agree it lacks the same emotional power and undermines the pity we feel, although I also feel admiration for her along with my hope that dying will be the transition she needs it to be. I like close third person in general because it's always a bit slippery, an ongoing to and fro between the author's voice and the character's, those lovely gaps that can be unsettling, as here, or ironic or comic. 

                                I think the story could do with a bit more narrative tension, and I feel that it's sometimes overwritten. Re narrative, the line "Long life ... Not long now." seemed to me like the hook of the story, the thing that tells us Constance is on a journey (cliche but you know what I mean) and this isn't just a series of descriptions of her dealing with her status quo. Maybe this line isn't the hook, but whatever the tension is, I started looking for it soon after the end of the first section, after the silver-framed, sepia smile.

                                I couldn't resist doing a bit of editing. The writing is lovely yet at times I wanted it to march on, to keep the story moving. This is entirely subjective but I've taken out words which seemed unnecessary. 

                                ***

                                White light, like memory, mists into her mind before her eyes open.

                                This time? This time!

                                The gap between wake and sleep so small as to be non-existent. Consciousness and dreams intertwined. For a while it had been troubling. She was troubled. Change does that. A sense of losing things. Slipping away. Mislaid. But she is strong, she has found the calm and patience, the constance. Constance? Con? Connie? Can you hear me Connie?

                                White light. Can it do anything but pour?

                                Letting things in. Letting things go. Not losing, but ordering. Filing. Squirreling [double L] away. That rainy day. This time? The promised light she was promised, all those clock-ticking [hyphenate] hours, legs swinging from the pew that chewed the back of her knees in summers <--- I think you mean when she had bare legs? But I wonder if this detail is necessary or if 'in summers' could be deleted. Shifting Dappled green at the grass-green [hyphenate] glass (a saint in each corner), moved <--- rippled? I got a Gerard Manley Hopkins moment :-) by a breeze that enjoyed the whose freedom she longed for.

                                When all is said and all is done, Light of the world will come.

                                This time?

                                Eyes open to more white against white, gathering realisation of cotton and goose down, lace work edging blurs into focus. Face pressed to damp white, cold and sharp on cheek white. Did she always dribble? Or is this another slippage?     Spillage.     Leakage.     Weepage.

                                So, not this time.

                                Shapes seep into form like photos swimming in phenidone. The bedside table, the glass of water, dried lavender. His silver-framed, sepia <--- is sepia a bit of a cliche? 'Black and white?' smile.

                                ***

                                A few bits and pieces:

                                Re the news freebie, the freebie part felt too modern juxtaposed with 'all that time'. Would the local paper have been free in those days?

                                I wondered if you need "Hands converge ... rise, meet again". It felt somewhat like padding, not moving us on.

                                "Clematers": I didn't know if this should be clematis or was a joke I wasn't getting ;)

                                I don't know much about competitons or publishers but there's this competition and this magazine

                                Thanks for posting this. I much enjoyed reading it.

                                PS I don't think you need worry about using a waking-up start. It seems entirely appropriate. Anyway, a novel on a big prize list, Little Scratch by Rebecca Watson, has a waking-up opening. Further proof of it's not what you do but the way that do it!


                                0 0 0 0 0 0
                                • Thank you so much Libby, for your kind words and your attention to detail. (also for mentioning 'Little Scratch' which gives me hope!

                                  I've never heard the term 'close third person' but I really like it, my novel, Beautiful Absence is written in it (with some deviation at times!) and I like the way I can get inside the character's head, but also observe them, so they are not always fully aware, and can be observed in a way that they couldn't observe themselves. I also have admiration and hope for Constance, to me her modesty and stoicism are great strengths.

                                  As I said to Janet, the first person has strengths too, I think it is fascinating to attempt both versions, I have found little moments of beauty in each. Now I have to settle on one or the other. My instinct is to go with the former, close third, but I'm not going to jump too quickly, this needs careful thinking.

                                  Thank you for you edit suggestions, also very useful.

                                  Thank you

                                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                                • Good evening David, 

                                  It is indeed difficult to let go of something that’s become familiar, including a text. You eschew too much reader comfort in reading (and I agree), but there’s a certain writer comfort in familiarity too. We will always have personal preferences. I think it’s helpful to acknowledge that, but then to try to let go a bit, just because there are different possibilities in each approach. That admittedly takes time.

                                  I, too, like a story that requires work and collaboration from a reader. (It seems that there are fewer such readers than some years ago, and that makes sad.)

                                  It’s interesting to receive very different opinions on a story, isn’t it. I have a different take from yours and Libby’s. I don’t feel that Constance is controlling the narration. If fact, one classic use of first person is to convey to readers things beyond what the speaker can say or even knows, and that happens in many ways. I wish that I could say more, but I am reducing my time  of TH. Another deadline is looming.

                                  You say that Connie couldn’t describe her own appearance as child-like. Of course not; But the challenge of a first-person narrator is to find other ways to do what you can do more easily in third person. You even suggest her being child-like by her posture, eg., toes barely touching the floor, you might suggest other things about it, seeing something with her head at an angle, and that could be more effective than the adjective which is something of a label. You could also consider shifting the image of the child in the church or refer to it again. (There’s a sitting in both cases.)

                                  I confess my shock, by the way, at Libby’s thought that the legs swinging from the pew in summers might be unnecessary. 😊 It’s a tactile detail of a child imprisoned, as Connie feels imprisoned now. Yet the child allows her body as much freedom as she can in the circumstances. Another writer might have said fidgeting, but swinging legs suggest freedom and even air, which, filled with light, is the medium in which the story takes place.

                                  The story obviously came from a deep place, and so it has a power it wouldn’t have otherwise. As I said, it takes time to develop some distance from material, especially when it is so emotionally moving. If you regret a bit the losses that you feel in switching to first person, you could go back to third, but you would need to slip between first & third with more ease. I’ve done this kind of back and forth in my novel, and exchanges with the developmental editor were useful in deciding when and how. But it would probably be best not to do that or anything right away. If you put the story away and come back to it in a few months, maybe more, you’ll see it with different eyes, and have more freedom to play with both kinds of narration. That might sound callous, but it isn’t. It’s having another kind of sight which shows you how to hone the possibilities inherent in the story so that it’s the best it can be.

                                  Please keep us up to date regarding what you do with this beautiful piece.

                                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                                  • More food for thought Janet. Thank you so much, I really appreciate this kind of detailed analysis; it's what you miss when working away at the computer by yourself. Although I do have a dear (critical) friend who I send work to all the time for constructive feedback, it is still something you can miss. As I said to Libby, I won't make a definite decision quite yet, so much to consider. I am certainly very thankful for the decision to post the work here, it has been incredibly useful.

                                    Thank you

                                    0 0 0 0 0 0
                                  • Hi Janet, don't worry, I wasn't suggesting getting rid of the swinging legs, only that I think 'in summers' possibly isn't needed. For me its position at the end of the sentence diminishes the previous rhythm and imagery, whereas 'knees' is a strong note to end on. It makes a memorable image. 

                                    0 0 0 0 0 0
                                    • I love this kind of detail! Thanks again

                                      0 0 0 0 0 0
                                      • HI David, it's good, the style is different (different is good). It felt more like poetry than prose and that's kind of wonderful really - I could never write like that in a million years and as a stand alone piece it works really well. The market for short stories, as you know from the comments above is limited but if I were you, I'd be entering this for every short story competition going - there's some huge prizes out there and the recognition and publicity that comes with it.

                                        0 0 0 0 0 0
                                        • Thank you Danny, that is very kind of you to say. Really gives me encouragement. I think there seems more scope for my poetic style in short stories so this is exciting!

                                          Thank you

                                          0 0 0 0 0 0
                                        • Hi everyone, just wanted to say I'm delighted that Constance has been shortlisted for the LISP London Independent Story Prize, Short Stories 2021!! Thanks for all your help and advice. I'm not holding my breath, there are ten other finalists, but it's great to know that the judges 'got' what I was trying to do with this story, and like it enough to make it a finalist!

                                          0 0 0 0 0 0
                                          • Congratulations David!

                                            0 0 0 0 0 0
                                            • Wonderful news! Congratulations!

                                              0 0 0 0 0 0
                                              • Thank you Julie B!

                                                0 0 0 0 0 0
                                              • David, this is great. It reminded me so much of my godmother who used to feed a seagull from her window every day, but more than that, the rhythm of the piece reflects the pace of her of Alzheimer's, the ebb and flow of thoughts, the sense of not exactly being rooted in the here and now, as if time has slowed. Loved the combination of poetry and prose. I say it certainly deserved its shortlisting. Congratulations. 

                                                0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                • Wow, Iren, thank you! It is lovely to hear that it resonated with you. That has really made me feel that it has worked!

                                                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                • Super news, David. Really enjoyed this a couple of months back and it's great more people will get to read it.

                                                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                  • Thanks Graham!

                                                    0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                  • Congratulations David told you it was brilliant and moving! 

                                                    0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                    • Thank you Caron x

                                                      0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                    • That's brilliant, David! I'm really pleased. The LISP too. Lovely news to start the day with.

                                                      0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                      • Thank you Libby! You've heard of LISP? I didn't know much about them when I sent off. Are they well respected then?

                                                        0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                        • By the looks of the website and judges, yes. And the name. I don't know how long it has existed but I don't suppose you attach London so obviously to your name if you don't have aspirations to be significant :) And it runs competitions in different categories.

                                                          I discovered it a while ago, intending to try a story and use the deadline to make me get one done. I'm not much of a competition entrant - too busy with a novel. And I never did finish the story (it may get an outing somewhere else). But one of the judges is JW's own Debi Alper who runs the JW self-editing course and also reads for the Costa Short Story Prize. Debi says what she's mostly looking for is voice. Another judge, Gaynor Jones, judges for and contributes to Retreat West, a well-respected writing organisation which runs courses and regular competitions. She enjoys vivid, inventive writing. I don't know how LISP organises its reading and shortlisting process, or how many entries it gets, so can't guess who will have read Constance but I think you can be well chuffed to have been shortlisted.


                                                          0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                          • Thanks Libby, that is all most encouraging! Really appreciate the info. I shall now try not to get my hopes up too much this week!

                                                            0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                          • David! I'm over the moon for you! Very much deserved, and what a feat for a first short story. You should be shining your fingernails. (Do you do that one in the UK?)

                                                            I'm curious to see the final version that you sent in. Have a high-in-the-sky week-end. I'm sure you will/

                                                            0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                            • Thanks Janet, I am indeed over the moon! I'm also a keen runner and today ran my fastest 5K race ever so this weekend is just getting better and better!

                                                              I can send you the version I entered if you like, it wasn't hugely different from those I posted on here, just a little tighter.

                                                              Thanks again

                                                              0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                              • Do send it, You posted 2 somewhat different ones. I'm interested in the direction you finally took.

                                                                0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                              • I've just read your short story, Constance. I see you've had lots of feedback, but I just want to say how much it moved me. It reads just the way someone in that place really thinks (I know, I've been there!), and the rhyming, disjointed thoughts are spot on. It made me cry. Well done, it's beautiful.

                                                                0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                                • Wow Kathleen that is kind of you, thank you for your lovely feedback, I am so glad you connected with the story, sorry to make you cry, although I take that as a huge compliment too. Thank you again.

                                                                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                                • Gosh David, give us more!   No point me saying anything as it's all been said.  So just more, more!

                                                                  0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                                  • Thank you Jaye! I did post my second story on here too if you want more. I'm just finishing my next one hopefully this weekend... I appreciate your support!

                                                                    0 0 0 0 0 0
                                                                  Not logged in users can't 'Comments Post'.
                                                                  •  · 22 friends
                                                                  27
                                                                  1
                                                                  1
                                                                  1
                                                                  1