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Query Letter. Latest revision 14/9

Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit. 

I have two versions of the same letter. One is a leaner version of the other, both are under 300 words. I would really appreciate some feedback.

Number 1 287 words

Dear ……

In line with your requirement for crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800k. It follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to stay alive, out of jail and extricate themselves from the clutches of an ambitious bent cop.  

Danny prevents coke-dealer, Eddie Teller from raping a fourteen-year-old girl. When he pulls a gun on SAS trained Danny, Eddie dies. After taking the girl home safely, Danny disappears. He’s running from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother, and the reawakened trauma of gunfire and war.

Four years later, in a quiet seaside town, Danny is content to just fish and drink the odd beer. When he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, he finds he wants more out off life. However, a picture she posts on Facebook reveals his whereabouts, and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them and runs again. Realising Megan is in danger, and means too much to him to leave behind, he returns to find they already have her. A violent confrontation ends with the henchmen dead, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving. 

The writing style will appeal to fans of Linda la Plante’s, Buried, and Ian Rankin’s, A song for the Dark Times. Books with a strong sense of place, and an authentic voice.  

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Documents attached, as requested.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar


Number 2 256 words


Dear _,

In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800k. 

It follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to avoid being killed by gangsters, stay out of jail, and extricate themselves from the clutches of an ambitious bent cop. 

Danny gets blamed for the death of a coke dealer. Pulling a gun on an SAS trained individual proved fatal for Eddie Teller. Danny runs from Ralph, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother, his PTSD, now awakened. 

Four years later, in a quiet seaside town, Danny is content to just fish and drink the odd beer. Then he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, and finds he wants more out of life. However, a picture she posts on Facebook reveals his whereabouts, and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them, and a violent confrontation ends with the henchmen dead, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving. 

The writing style will appeal to fans of Linda la Plante’s, Buried, and Ian Rankin’s, A song for the Dark Times. Books with a strong sense of place, and an authentic voice.  

Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

Documents attached, as requested.

Thank you for your consideration.

Francis de Aguilar

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Replies (46)
    • Hi Daggilarr

       Your first version seems clearer to me, and I really like it. In the blurb you have a clear set up, progression, and then you hint at where the story will go, which, I believe, is ideal. I really like the title too.

      I’m not versed in the genre, but your comp titles seem clear. I don’t know how modern they are. Often it’s said, if you can find something under five years old, it’s better. I really like your author bio (something I’m struggling with).

      I have a few points, but they are mainly grammar and style rather than content. I know you mentioned you received a lot of criticism before, so let me say this is done in respect from one person wanting to get published to another! And these are only one persons ideas.

      I would say ‘complete at 78,800 words’ as it seems more professional than ‘k’.

      There are a number of comma’s where I personally wouldn’t place them. I’d recommend using an app that reads the text back to you, that way you can hear if the commas work or not. You can also hear if sentence structure works and pick up those little mistakes that are so difficult to see.

      ‘Danny prevents coke-dealer, Eddie Teller from raping a fourteen-year-old girl. When he pulls a gun on SAS trained Danny, Eddie dies.’

      It’s not clear here how Eddie dies, as Eddie is the one with the gun. Can you say more explicitly that Danny kills him? Otherwise it is a bit confusing.

      ‘After taking the girl home safely, Danny disappears. He’s running from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother, and the reawakened trauma of gunfire and war.’

      This could be smoothed:  Danny goes on the run from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother, and the reawakened trauma of gunfire and war.’ (although the second part of the sentence is divided from the first by 'Ralph Teller, Eddie's vengeful gangster brother' and it reads a bit far apart, so maybe: Danny, haunted by his reawakened trauma of gunfire and war, goes on the run from Ralph Teller, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother,

      ‘captivating and beautiful Megan’ — perhaps choose one perfect adjective.

      ‘They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving.’ 

      A bit more smoothing: They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph with two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving. 

      ‘Books with a strong sense of place, and an authentic voice.’ This is a fragment. I think I know what you are getting at, but it needs to be worked in more.  

      Good luck with it!

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      • Thank you. This great feedback. I really appreciate it. I have no issue with being criticised, especially when it is helpful and well articulated. 

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        • My sentiments exactly!

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        • I'm going to stay at a broader level and not go in depth as Iren did because neither versions work for me. The main reason is that each time you are explaining us what is happening in your novel and it sounds more like a mini-synopsis with the end missing than a blurb you would find on the back of the book. It also feels like you are getting quite far into the story, either that or you are including a fair bit of backstory which again doesn't really belong in a blurb. Most of the time the blurb only cover the very start of the story and hint at the rest.

          For example, you mentioned Ian Rankin's A song for the Dark Times as a comp title. If we look at the blurb for it on Amazon: 

          'He's gone...'

          When his daughter Samantha calls in the dead of night, John Rebus knows it's not good news. Her husband has been missing for two days.

          Rebus fears the worst - and knows from his lifetime in the police that his daughter will be the prime suspect.

          He wasn't the best father - the job always came first - but now his daughter needs him more than ever. But is he going as a father or a detective?

          As he leaves at dawn to drive to the windswept coast - and a small town with big secrets - he wonders whether this might be the first time in his life where the truth is the one thing he doesn't want to find...

          I admit I haven't read the book but something tells me this only covers the opening of the book, but it hints as to what the story will be. Also it sets the intrigue: what happened to Samantha's husband, what kind of moral dilemma will Rebus face, what can be so bad he doesn't want to know the truth? All of those questions raised by the blurb makes me want to read to find out more. which is what you want the blurb to do.

          For example, in your situation you tell us why Danny is hiding / on the run, but would it be more powerful to hint that something in his past is threatening his picture perfect present and get the reader thinking: what might he be hiding? Just an idea, there are lots of different ways to create intrigue.

          Cover letter blurbs are really tricky so my advice would be to pull about twenty recent books in the same genre as yours and study their blurb on Amazon. Also author Will Dean has a very good video on YouTube where he dissects his query letter that landed him his agent.

          I hope this helps.

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          • It really only does cover the first part of the story. But if doesn’t seem like it does, maybe that’s an issue. I had tried to hit the points you mention. Can being in hiding be described as ’a picture perfect present’? From his past, PTSD. A hint at where the story goes, the bent cop. 

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          • I tend to agree with Laure.  Much of the information in both letters is more appropriate for the synopsis. In each version, the reason for Danny's being on the run comes after the wording about the action following Danny and Megan for two weeks, but it should be the other way round. You need to give the why before the action; what sparked it off.  There needs to be some re-jigging.

            I like your comp. paragraph and your brief bio. is a cracking recommendation for an agent.

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            • Thanks for your comments. Not sure I fully understand what you are getting at. 

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            • Sequence. 😊 

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              • Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit.

                How about this one?


                Dear _,

                In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800k. 

                Danny had had enough of killing by the time he left the army. The shot that ripped through Eddie Teller’s gut sent a jolt through him that shook his trauma loose again. 

                He should’ve said ‘no’ to minding Eddie, now Eddie’s dead. He should’ve said ’no’ to meeting Megan, now she’s involved in murder. He should’ve stayed in London and dealt with Eddie’s brothers, Ralph and Micky, but he didn’t, he ran and hid. Now they’ve found him, and the time for running is over. 

                Danny and Megan head to London to ‘deal’ with gangsters Ralph and Micky. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving. 

                The writing style will appeal to fans of Linda la Plante’s, Xxxx, and Ian Rankin’s, Xxxx. Books with a strong sense of place, and an authentic voice.  

                Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I now live in Devon, and focus on my writing.

                Documents attached, as requested.

                Thank you for your consideration.

                Francis de Aguilar

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                • Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit.

                  So this is where I am with this query. I am, however, still unsure about the comps. 


                  Dear _,

                  In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800k. 

                  Danny gets blamed for the death of a coke dealer. Pulling a gun on an SAS trained individual proved fatal for Eddie Teller. With, his PTSD now reawakened, he runs from Ralph, Eddie’s vengeful gangster brother.

                  Four years later, in a quiet seaside town, Danny is content to just fish and drink the odd beer. Then he meets the captivating and beautiful Megan, and decides he wants more out of life. However, a picture she posts on Facebook reveals his whereabouts, and two of Teller’s henchmen show up. Danny spots them, and a violent confrontation ends with the henchmen dead, and Megan an accomplice to murder. They head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph. 

                  MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to avoid being killed by gangsters and stay out of jail. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving. 

                  The writing style will appeal to fans of Linda la Plante’s, xxx, and Ian Rankin’s, xxx. Books with a strong sense of place, and an authentic voice.  

                  Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

                  Documents attached, as requested.

                  Thank you for your consideration.

                  Francis de Aguilar

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                  • Two questions: 1) what's the inciting incident in your story and 2) where does the story start (i.e. what happens in the first chapter)?

                    For me this still read more like a mini-synopsis than a blurb.

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                    • It is not intended to be a blurb. My back cover material will be different. The inciting incident is Danny getting blamed for the death of Eddie. Paragraph one and two, (after intro) speak about what happens in the first chapter. Paragraph three, is a hint at the rest of the story. The book opens with the inciting incident, then jumps four years, to Danny hiding in a seaside town.

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                      • I know it's not meant to be a back cover blurb, but the blurb in a cover letter for agent submission is very similar to a back cover blurb. That's why the advice to writers is to study those as well as examples of cover letter.

                        Because of the 4 years later the first paragraph sounds like backstory to me. If the story opens with Danny hiding in a quiet seaside town then it sounds like the inciting incident is the picture being posted. Like for A Song For The Dark Time the inciting incident is the daughter calling Rebus, not the husband going missing (that's backstory). 

                        I would suggest watching Will Dean's video where he dissects his cover letter and the blurb he used for it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUU3mpZGakg

                        At the end of the day if you are submitting to UK agents your opening chapters will be what decide an agent to request the full MS but a strong letter can help them decide to put your submission at the top of their reading pile.

                        Maybe just see if others can provide additional feedback on your latest version, and see what they say. Good luck with your submission! 

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                        • I watched the video, thanks for the link. I was under the impression that rhetorical questions were a bad idea, yet he had a few in there. 

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                        • Hi Daggilarr - these cover letter blurbs are horrible creatures to write. I know L has said in the past that she spent months writing hers, and tweaked it further after her first round of submissions before she finally had her winning letter. So try not to get too deflated about it.

                          I'm a fan of the Save the Cat logline. It makes you concentrate on the important turning points and can make a good basis to expand into the blurb.

                          Yours might go something like:

                          After a Facebook post by his girlfriend reveals ex-SAS soldier Danny's location, he has to run from the vengeful gangster brother of the drug dealer he killed. But when his girlfriend is kidnapped, Danny must face... (before all is lost).

                          I don't know enough about your book to finish it, hence the bit in brackets. But the format might help make your blurb sound less like a synopsis. Hope that's food for thought and not more confusing!

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                          • Thanks for your support and suggestions. I have been working along a similar line.

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                          • Yes, I agree with Kate cover letters are horrible to write and very frustrating. They take a while to finesse. 

                            Kate’s blurb is definitely a great example and something to emulate. Starts straight with the inciting incident then into the action and the stakes, what she can’t do is hint where your story goes from there and then you can also inject some of the voice you use in your novel to give the blurb some flavour.

                            Just keep going! 

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                            • Yes, I agree with Kate cover letters are horrible to write and very frustrating. They take a while to finesse. 

                              Kate’s blurb is definitely a great example and something to emulate. Starts straight with the inciting incident then into the action and the stakes, what she can’t do is hint where your story goes from there and then you can also inject some of the voice you use in your novel to give the blurb some flavour.

                              Just keep going! 

                              I have been putting something together and will post it shortly.

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                            • Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit.

                              Danny was hiding from Ralph Teller in a quiet seaside town until he met and fell for, Megan, who blows his cover with a Facebook post. Two henchmen show up and a violent confrontation ends with the henchmen dead, and Megan now an accomplice to murder. As Danny and Megan watch the bodies slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, they know they have to head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph. 

                              It all began four years ago. Danny had looked down at the blood ballooning from Eddies Teller’s gut, then at the semi-conscious girl this coked up brute had been about to rape. The gun had gone off as Danny had tried to take it from him. Ralph Teller, Eddie’s gangster brother now wants revenge. So ex SAS Danny, his PTSD now jump started, had run.

                              MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to avoid being killed by gangsters, stay out of jail, and extricate themselves from the clutches of a bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving.


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                              • Danny and Megan have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving.

                                After a Facebook post by his girlfriend reveals ex-SAS soldier Danny's location, he has to run again from the vengeful brother of the drug dealer he killed. But when his girlfriend is identified as an accomplice to murder, Danny must overcome his PTSD and face his past. He wonders if he will survive and  live a normal life away from killing or if london's gangland will be his last battleground. 

                                The writing style will appeal to fans of Linda la Plante’s, Buried, and Ian Rankin’s, A song for the Dark Times. Books with a strong sense of place, and an authentic voice.


                                Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I now live in Devon, and focus on my writing.


                                Documents attached, as requested.


                                Hi hoping this might help and allow you to add your own voice and story. It's not perfect but I felt the one you did based around Kate's went back into a synopsis style. But at the end of the day it's your choice. Remember you will get different opinions on anything you do. You just have to make a decision you like based on all them. 

                                Good luck 


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                                • What seems to happening here is a misconception about what the inciting incident in this book is. It is the death of Eddie, not the Facebook post. The Facebook post would be meaningless if Eddie had not died That night. The opening pages of the book are all about that night.

                                  I fear writing a query, that however compelling, does not accurately represent the manuscript. We’re I an agent, I would not be pleased about that. 

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                                  • Then just change the inciting incident but keeo the model 

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                                    • I've found getting my query and blurb to truly reflect my manuscript has been one of the hardest parts. 

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                                    • I do like what Caron has done with that opening line. It's a great teaser. And even if the rest isn't quite right, I thing she's done a great job of keeping the focus very tight on the thrilling elements.

                                      To me, your version feels looser with elements we don't need to know that slows it down.

                                      But as Caron says, that's just one opinion. Keep going. You'll get there.

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                                      • It is. 

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                                      • Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit.

                                        I have tried pay better attention to sequence and clarity the inciting incident, in this version.

                                        Dear _,

                                        In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words. 

                                        The problem with hiding from the Teller's is, they just don’t stop hunting you.

                                        Danny had looked down at the blood ballooning from Eddies Teller’s gut, then at the fourteen-year-old semi-conscious girl this coked up brute had been about to rape. The gun had gone off, as Danny had tried to take it from him. Ralph Teller, Eddie’s gangster brother, now wants revenge. So ex SAS Danny, his PTSD jump started, had run.

                                        He hid in a quiet seaside town, until he met and fell for Megan, who blew his cover with a Facebook post. Two henchmen show up and a violent confrontation ends with the henchmen dead, and Megan now an accomplice to murder. As Danny and Megan watch the bodies slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, they know they have to head to London to ‘deal’ with Ralph, once and for all. 

                                        MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan as they try to avoid being killed by gangsters, stay out of jail as well as extricating themselves from the clutches of a greedy bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving.

                                        The writing style will appeal to fans of Robert Galbraith’s, xxx, and Ian Rankin’s, xxx. Books with a strong sense of place and an authentic voice.  

                                        Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

                                        Documents attached, as requested.

                                        Thank you for your consideration.

                                        Francis de Aguilar

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                                        • The reason why people keep bringing up the photograph is because it feels like the natural inciting incident to your story. Based on the info you've posted it sounds like the story is about Danny and Megan trying to escape from and survive the killers set on them. If your novel open on the accidental murder and then zoom 4 years later then the murder is not the inciting incident that's back story. If your story opens with the killing and then Danny escaping and show him running and how he got to his current town, what he did to disappear, and settling down then that works.

                                          The inciting incident is what upsets or changes the current status quo. Again based on the info we have the current status quo is Danny living a quiet life in hiding then what upsets it is the photograph. Harry Potter going to Howgarts is meaningless unless Voldermort kills his parents, however the inciting incident in the Philosopher's Stone is Harry learning he's a wizard because that's what upsets the current status quo (i.e. living a normal life with his uncle and ant). Same with Gone Girl, technically nothing would happen if Nick didn't cheat or if they didn't move to Missouri but the inciting incident is Nick going home and finding that his wife is missing.

                                          If the murder is just one chapter and then the story zooms 4 years later I actually think you should consider withholding why Danny is on the run at the start and drip feed it throughout to slowly reveal it instead. It would add another layer of intrigue to the story to get the reader to keep reading in the sense that reader would read to find out if Danny and Megan will escape but also wanting to find out or work what Danny did to end up on the run with killers after him. Of course, that's just my opinion.

                                          Edit: long story short, inciting incident is not what create the current situation it’s what disturbs the current situation in order to set the story in motion. 

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                                          • Thank you L. You make some good points. Interestingly, originally the book did start with Danny in hiding. The first chapter was all about him meeting Megan, the Facebook post. It cut to London and we meet Ralph and two other characters. The next is the henchmen showing up, a big action sequence in which they die. Danny and Megan head to London, on the way Danny reveals what had happened. I changed this to open with an action sequence. Maybe that was a mistake. Although feedback from beta readers says otherwise. I could make the opening action sequence a prologue. 

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                                          • Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit.

                                            I thought I would share this version. It is more or less, the first one I came up with.


                                            The problem with hiding is they never stop looking for you. 

                                            Danny feels safe tucked away in the little Welsh seaside town. He just wants to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. But a captivating woman, a lost memory card and a Facebook post, collide and drag him back out into the open. He needs to choose. Keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for the death of his brother, and leave the girl in the firing line, or take the perilous option of going down to London to end this thing. 

                                            Initially he chooses the first, but that means abandoning the woman, Megan. Somehow he just can’t do that. He returns to get her, but finds two of Teller’s henchmen already there. Danny and Megan consign them both to the bottom of the Irish Sea. Now there’s no turning back. They head down to London to deal with Ralph and his remaining brother, Micky. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of surviving. 

                                             

                                            Moonbeam is a crime novel, complete at 78,800 words. It follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks, as they try to stay alive, out of jail, and maybe even make a profit.

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                                            • I find this much more gripping than your other examples. You drop in a hook with the first line, you add some voice with the sentence starting 'He just wants to fish...' then give us the inciting incident without overloading the detail, and follow up with the stakes.

                                              I think you lose momentum in the second long paragraph with too much detail. We don't need to know he initially decides to run. I'd suggest losing the fist two sentences and just rework from the henchmen and consigning them to the sea.

                                              I also don't think the last paragraph adds anything. The word count and genre (in the UK anyway) usually go in the first paragraph of the letter. Though if you're subbing in the US I think it does go later.

                                              I think you're getting closer.

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                                            • I have been following this thread with great interest.

                                              I agree with everything Kate has said about this latest version; it is much better. I think you should keep your bio in the last paragraph. I recently had a 121 and the editor told me to add some bio to my query letter.

                                              Good luck. You are getting there

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                                              • Thank you, I am working on a rewrite of that one now

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                                              • Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit.


                                                Dear..

                                                 

                                                In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words. 

                                                The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you. 

                                                Danny feels safe tucked away in the little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. But the captivating Megan, a lost memory card, and a Facebook post collide and drag him back out into the open. He needs to choose. Keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for the death of his brother, and leave the woman he’s fallen for in the firing line, or take the perilous option. Go down to London to end this thing. When two of Teller’s henchmen appear and die in a violent confrontation, Megan becomes an accomplice to murder. 

                                                As Danny and Megan watch the bodies slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, they know they have to head to London and ‘deal’ with Ralph.

                                                MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they contend with the machinations of a greedy bent cop, and avoid being shot by Teller. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

                                                The writing style will appeal to fans of Robert Gaibraiths, xxx, and Ian Rankins, xxx. Books with a strong sense of place, and an authentic voice.  

                                                Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

                                                Thank you for your consideration.

                                                 

                                                Francis de Aguilar

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                                                • Wow, this is really improving, both overall and on the line level.

                                                  I wouldn't include 'bubbles for an epitaph. Personal preference, but it didn't seem to add anything to the plot or what you are trying to convey. 

                                                  Consider a colon here instead of a full stop: 'or take the perilous option. Go down to London to end this thing.'

                                                  I was a little confused about, 'When two of Teller’s henchmen appear and die in a violent confrontation, Megan becomes an accomplice to murder.' Was the violent confrontation involving Danny? I'm guessing it was from reading previously. I think it would make more sense if it's explained.

                                                  I would keep the author bio. I thought it was a great addition, showing the agent you know what you're talking about.

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                                                  • Wow, this is really improving, both overall and on the line level.

                                                    I wouldn't include 'bubbles for an epitaph. Personal preference, but it didn't seem to add anything to the plot or what you are trying to convey. 

                                                    Trying to give it a bit of voice


                                                    Consider a colon here instead of a full stop: 'or take the perilous option. Go down to London to end this thing.'

                                                     Are you referring to the full stop after option?


                                                    I was a little confused about, 'When two of Teller’s henchmen appear and die in a violent confrontation, Megan becomes an accomplice to murder.' Was the violent confrontation involving Danny? I'm guessing it was from reading previously. I think it would make more sense if it's explained.


                                                    I would need to find a way to make that clearer without increasing the word count.


                                                    I would keep the author bio. I thought it was a great addition, showing the agent you know what you're talking about.

                                                    Yes, it was meant to be there.


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                                                    • I like your purple text, a great example of purple prose!! :D very bad joke.

                                                      Yes, I did mean a colon in place of the full stop --  '...or take the perilous option: go down to London to end this thing.

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                                                      • Yes, you’re right about that. I have added yet another edit the the thread. Thanks for you input, really appreciate. 

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                                                      • Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit.

                                                        Dear..

                                                        In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words. 

                                                        The problem with hiding from the Teller’s is they never stop hunting you. 

                                                        Danny feels safe tucked away in the little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. But the captivating Megan, a lost memory card, and a Facebook post collide and drag him back out into the open. He needs to choose. Keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for the death of his brother, and leave the woman he’s fallen for in the firing line, or take the perilous option: go to London to end this thing. When two of Teller’s henchmen arrive, they die in a violent confrontation with Danny, and Megan becomes an accomplice to murder. 

                                                        As they watch the bodies slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, they know they have to head to London and ‘deal’ with Ralph, or risk joining them.

                                                        MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they contend with the machinations of a greedy bent cop, and avoid being shot by Teller. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

                                                        The writing style will appeal to fans of Robert Gaibraiths, xxx, and Ian Rankins, xxx. Books with a strong sense of place, and an authentic voice.  

                                                        Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

                                                        Thank you for your consideration.

                                                        Francis de Aguilar

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                                                        • Looks good to me.

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                                                          • Thanks, I do believe we are getting there. Still polishing it. 

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                                                          • Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit.

                                                            Dear..

                                                            In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words. 

                                                            The problem with hiding from the Teller’s is they never stop hunting you. 

                                                            Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

                                                            He needs to choose. Keep running from the vengeful gangster, Ralph Teller, who blames him for his brother’s death, leaving Megan in the firing line, or take the perilous option: go to London to end this thing. 

                                                            Two of Teller’s henchmen arrive and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die. 

                                                            Danny and Megan are now accomplices to murder. They watch the bodies slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, and realise they may well join them, if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph.

                                                            MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph while contending with the machinations of a greedy bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

                                                            The writing style will appeal to fans of Robert Galbraith’s, xxx, and Ian Rankin’s, xxx. Books with a strong sense of place and an authentic voice.  

                                                            Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

                                                            Thank you for your consideration.

                                                            Francis de Aguilar

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                                                            • I feel this one is less punchy than the previous version. You’re using longer, more explainy sentences like ‘a Facebook post inadvertently drags…’ I think this loses the pace.
                                                              I also like the ‘when’ and ‘as’ in the previous version as they made it feel like a chain reaction.

                                                              But the smaller edits do tend to be personal preference, so that could just be me.

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                                                              • There always seem to be a pendulum swing. Every problem one fixes creates another. I think the job is not to eradicate this swing, rather it is to narrow its arc as far as possible. 

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                                                              • Please scroll to the end of thread for the most recent edit.

                                                                And so the polishing process goes on.  


                                                                Dear..

                                                                In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words. 

                                                                The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you. 

                                                                Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

                                                                He needs to choose. Either leave Megan in danger and run, or head to London and face Ralph Teller, the vindictive gangster who blames him for the death of one of his brothers.

                                                                Two of Teller’s henchmen arrive and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die. 

                                                                Danny and Megan are now accomplices to murder. They watch the bodies slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, and realise they may well join them, if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph.

                                                                MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph while contending with the machinations of a greedy bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

                                                                MOONBEAM combines heroes like Cormoran and Robin in, Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, with antagonists straight out of the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans.

                                                                Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I now live in Devon and focus on my writing.

                                                                Thank you for your consideration.

                                                                Francis de Aguilar

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                                                                • Dear..

                                                                  In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller, complete at 78,800 words. 

                                                                  The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you. 

                                                                  Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

                                                                  Danny is torn. The ruthless gangster Ralph Teller blames him for the death of one of his brothers and now Megan is in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph. However, two of Teller’s henchmen show up, and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die. 

                                                                  Danny and Megan become complicit in murder when they dispose of the bodies. As they watch them slip below the surface of the ocean, with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, they realise they may well join them, if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph.

                                                                  MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

                                                                  Moonbeam combines heroes like Cormoran and Robin in Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, with antagonists straight out of the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans.

                                                                  Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

                                                                  Thank you for your consideration.

                                                                  Francis de Aguilar

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                                                                  • Added 16/11

                                                                    Dear..

                                                                    In line with your interest in crime fiction, I am seeking representation for MOONBEAM, a crime thriller with series potential, complete at 78,800 words. 

                                                                    The problem with hiding from the Tellers is they never stop hunting you. 

                                                                    Danny feels safe tucked away in a little Welsh seaside town. He’s content to fish, drink the odd beer, and maybe get laid now and then. When he meets and falls for the captivating Megan, a Facebook post she makes inadvertently drags him back out into the open.

                                                                    Danny is torn. The ruthless gangster Ralph Teller blames him for the death of one of his brothers, and now Megan is in danger. He could leave her and run, or go to London to face Ralph. However, two of Teller’s henchmen show up, and in a violent confrontation with SAS trained Danny, they both die. 

                                                                    Watching the bodies they’d trussed slip into the sea with only a few bubbles for an epitaph, Danny is acutely aware that he and Megan are now complicit in murder, and if they don’t ‘deal’ with Ralph soon, they face a similar fate.

                                                                    MOONBEAM follows Danny and Megan for an intense two weeks as they look for a way to get at Ralph, while contending with the machinations of a greedy, bent cop. They have two guns, a little cash, and almost no chance of survival.

                                                                    Moonbeam will appeal to fans of Robert Galbraith’s Strike series, and the TV series, Gangs of London, created by Gareth Evans.

                                                                    Originally from London, I lived on the periphery of the underworld and drug scene. In recovery, I became an addiction therapist. I live in Devon now and focus on my writing.

                                                                    Thank you for your consideration.

                                                                    Francis de Aguilar

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