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First Chapter Feedback - Potential Novel

Hi all. Having signed up to these message boards at the time I decided to attempt writing a novel, my plans were soon hit by the pandemic. I write during quiet periods of time at work, but switching to working from home left me with many other distractions during quiet times and I lost all progress with the novel. While I do really want to continue, I'm questioning whether it is worth the time and effort to get back to what is quite likely a poor attempt, so I thought I'd ask for some feedback on my first chapter. I should say, I'm not particularly writing with an aim of being published or anything, I'm not kidding myself that I'm good enough for that, but completing a novel is just something I've always wanted to do.

As a bit of background of the novel - it's set in a world where a cure all drug has been discovered and with technology (self driven cars etc) being advanced, people are only dying of old age or conditions they are born with (usually inherited). This has allowed sciencists to discover a way of determining your date of death as soon as you are both. Over time this has caused divides within society as those who will live longer get the better jobs, more money etc, and those who won't live as long end up living in poverty. Eventually society is split in to physical, walled off 'zones', which keep these groups separate whilst also, helpfully, providing an increasingly and worryingly tight grip of control for the Government.

This first chapter begins in one of the poorer zones, where tensions are rising and rumblings of revolution are beginning to be heard.

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Replies (2)
    • First of all, cool idea! I loved the synopsis you provided (above), it caught my imagination, and make me curious to see how you proceeded...

      I quite enjoyed the chapter - it needs editing of course, some tense issues, and minor spelling  oops... but the story line felt solid to me, and I wanted to know who phoned!

      I too work at home, though I have for years, so I can't blame Covid 😬 ... but finding TIME to write is always one of the hardest things - I can get lost in the story, and then nothing that makes money gets done.... or I can work, and the stories nag at the back of my mind.

      Like you, I joined here for feedback on my work - not necessarily planning/hoping to publish, but wanting to improve. What I learned was how much I had to learn (!), which has led to a LOT of workshops - many of them great lectures available free here.

      If you can make the time, I think you should continue... I for one would love to read more. Good luck!

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      • Hi Jo. Thanks for taking the time to read and give your feedback. I'm glad I'm not alone in trying to find the time to write! I would love to be able to sit and let my imagination run wild on the page but sadly reality often stops that. Having a two year old at home means time is limited but your feedback as encouraged me to carry on trying to make some time.

        I'm glad you enjoyed the premise and the first chapter. I agree it needs a lot of editing. I think tense and my voice have become a bit confused with the stop-start nature of my writing. I'm hoping when it's done to be able to book some holiday for work and commit real time to editing and sorting out the flow of the story.

        While I say I don't know if I'll continue any further, I realise now that I feel passionately enough about the story that I need to see how it finishes, for myself as much anything.

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