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Third Daughter

This began from a dream, I think dreams are unfair on reality.

Third Daughter – Samaulle Esun

I was stationed at the Queen’s private abode, the mansion section that spanned ten acres, and sported Bentleys. The planet mars, had undergone strict military discipline, and whilst attending the Queen on dispatch, I grew close to her. As I came to know her daughter, the illegitimate princess, I could not help but consider courting her, though she were ten years my senior, and our missives were temperamental, but distant. 

The road had grown stark, and the Queen jostled in her seat. Gunfire had been heard up ahead, and it turned out the helicopters had missed a hub of sniper units from the moon patrol. In those moments, which could have been our final, we held each other close, and my captain could not help but spy his discontent, as I were awarded a medal of commendation, at the ceremony which lead to my post, as royal protector of the prince junior, Anabelle’s uncle.

In those moments, I could not help but wonder, as our relationship grew, over that three month stint across the water wastes of mars, that orange goo, traversed on hovercraft, as it were as dry as it were marshy, whether she were more attuned to the danger than I, as I kept a hold on my rogue pistol, as she kept her glasses pinned to a painting foldout. 

Annabelle were questioning, as her mother rambled on, and I tethered, looking upon the lass three years my junior, as she appraised the situation. She were royal by blood, though not by title alone. She were The Ghost Of The Marshes. She had some strict military training, and she kept her etiquette sharp, on the rabble of the surrounding mile. Her short stature, not fully grown, though not yet childlike, as she moved off, to sit presumptuously on a seat, moved as I were handed my papers across the glass, as I took my seat, when her mother left, my dear friend of all those three months, using the Queen’s dictator. She feared me, like I were an unknown. However, I were glad to have the prestige of a stint away from the battlefield, and away from my grades as a mech pilot.

She walked beside me, underneath the rustling peppermints. We talked of the ants, like it were a poem, and she described the food chain, and ended with me, as we passed the lavatory, and walked inside, to take our shower for the evening meal. We were alone, for the most part, cooking our meals, and cleaning the apartment. She spoke, like she taught, with swaying of her hips, gesticulating how things ran, and how later she knew to tell me that were why I must be prepared, to step in front of a bullet. 

The Ghost Of The Marshes, were expendable, and thus knew of the assault of the good that may pervade the mind in the midst of a battle. It were good, where a soldier failed, and bad, where a politician, of like mind, may find his reprieve. They were protected, by the likes of myself, and her team, though she were only a small link in the chain. She moved out of my apartment, and I were left with the days of that sweet summer, knowing her for the most part physically, and mentally not knowing her in the slightest.

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Replies (6)
  • I took another swipe at it. Which do you prefer? I want a comparison.

    Third Daughter – Samaulle Esun

     As I looked into the Queen’s eyes, I knew her as friend. She stood, with hunched shoulders, and grinned like a wizened old dog. The sight that the earth let out then, were like the clawing of a skeleton from a grave. It were like I awoke, full of mischief, and ready for my interlude at the royal household to end.

    Annalise took her seat in the room, as I waited for her mother to arrive. She shifted her coffee, and took the sip with both hands, as I looked into those eyes, as empty as a spittoon. Her blonde hair, were mixed with brown, and I knew the scent of the ocean, and the application of tanning oil. 

    The trip across the desert, had been long, and I grew to know the Queen, and her stories of her daughter, the illegitimate princess, we were almost of an age, and I learned of her child, but I were now forty summers, and I had not the strength in my gut to bare another sight. I thought of her mother, as Annalise told me of the latest jaunt, spinning the news paper over to me, but I turned a blind eye to anything but the front cover. I stood, emblazoned with regalia, as they celebrated my post as the prince protector, of the royal guard, Annalise’s uncle. 

    I were a secretary to the general. I had broken my hip, on a sharp G, whilst flying in an air show, earning myself a dishonourable discharge, but I had saved the plane and ended up at the office of flight command in Geneva. I remember those times, as remaining close to a number of missives, though as I grew to know the Queen in this way, and earning a medal of commendation after saving the convoy from sniper fire, I grew to know her daughter, and our missives were always tentative though dismissive, but in those younger years, I did think of courting her, though she were my senior, in age as well as in other ways.

    The sun were dry, and I stood under the balcony of the army regiment, and I took my cap to my hands, looking at the sun. It blinded me with permissiveness, though stole away my thoughts with the moon. The Queen, were taking this covert manoeuvre across the desert, with the hopes of deceiving the militia swarming the government block, though she knew that with a train of anti-air, and a hull as thick as a rhinoceros, she could take the caution of traveling by dirt, keeping the threat of violence from all-out war. An escape through the night, within the tunnels of the bomb shelter, scattered the royal family, as the fires took the castle, and the handling of bovine flu took the Chinese countryside.  

    A deception of time took me through the weeks with my tutor, the young Annalise. She were to train me in royal etiquette, and the summer seemed short, but the ocean I remembered taking long walks upon, and learning of the secret sunshines across the waters. Believing in myself, had a lot to do with learning, and I took to the swell of the royal household, like a duck to water, but those nights with Annalise, were like the scent of a flower, and took my breath away.

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    • Hi Samaulle - there's a certain lyrical tone to your writing, which is enjoyable, but as for the content of these pieces, I couldn't work out what was going on. There seemed to be multiple characters popping up whose relationships I couldn't ascertain. You also seemed to jump from place to place and possibly through time as well.

      My overall reaction to both pieces is confusion - so no preference.

      I think you need to be clearer who your character is and what they are doing. If you can do that while retaining that lyrical feel to the language, it could turn into something interesting.

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      • I couldn’t figure out if it was legible either. It does jump around in time. It’s something that popped up, and it’s fun, so I’ll run with it.

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        • Hello Samaulle! This is my first here so I hope I do it right.

          PROS

          I like the vibe and atmosphere you're setting.

          "In those moments, I could not help but wonder, as our relationship grew, over that three month stint across the water wastes of mars, that orange goo, traversed on hovercraft, as it were as dry as it were marshy, whether she were more attuned to the danger than I, as I kept a hold on my rogue pistol, as she kept her glasses pinned to a painting foldout."

          The description of Mars and their situation sets a good tone.


          CONS

          I got confused by the scene transitions. One moment they seem to be in danger, and another its describing the sway of her hips (which I don't mind at all).

          Also, some sentences get quite long, loaded with information.

          "Her short stature, not fully grown, though not yet childlike, as she moved off, to sit presumptuously on a seat, moved as I were handed my papers across the glass, as I took my seat, when her mother left, my dear friend of all those three months, using the Queen’s dictator."

          I think if you make this into two or three sentences, it would be more pleasant for the reader.


          All in all, I think the story works and is well described, it just needs structure.

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          • Thanks Pizza! I got the image of Pizza the Hut in the green room just then. Funny though, but not worthless.

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            • Hi. Like Kate I do admire the lyrical quality. Surprisingly, (just my taste) I also like the slightly weird use of were. I too had trouble identifying place, time and purpose, but I do not think that that matters much as long as you get into it soon. As a reader, I don't think it matters much anyway, provided you give it up at some point, but we are told all the time that agents need to see it all immediately, so I think you will need to knuckle down to good old prosaic convention as soon you can. All in all I like the tone and the promise. You should continue with it.

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