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Book description - help please.

Hi again, folks.

I'm pushing my luck asking for more help, but I'm near the end point, and nervous.

Below is my ebook description. I'll need to trim it for print, but getting this right is a good start. I would be most appreciative if you would provide comments, and some help with vivid verbs or power text would be great. Lastly, any guidance with categories would be a tremendous help. Thanks, Rob.

CLASH OF GODS.

The gods of old still interfere with humankind—but Angus MacDonald has his own rules. This page-turning thriller, the first in the CLASH OF GODS series, sets human against deities and the costs are extreme.

 

In this installment of Rob J. Pearce’s thriller about the ancient gods of mythology, Angus MacDonald must learn to fight an evil bent on enslaving humankind. His woes begin during a visit to a Scottish battlefield where a blue pendant, eons old, became lost during the Battle of Culloden. Its owner, Lord Duncan MacDonald, died as an English musket ball shattered his neck and mud claimed the treasure. Its discovery grants power, but with it comes a threat unprecedented in human history.

Angus did not find the blue pendant; it lay for three-hundred years waiting while powers completed preparations, unknown to him, for the seemingly impossible task ahead. Gods, determined to gain the power of the pendant, follow Angus to America where they unleash catastrophic pain on an unprepared populace.

Beginning in Scotland, then playing out in Washington, D.C., and Malmstrom on the Great Plains, the adventure moves from one climax to another with disaster but a step behind. The Pentagon and government are out of their depth and lost in this world of unknown supernatural powers; Angus and his friends fight alone against overpowering odds.

Through sheer strength of will and revenge for losing his trusted friend, he learns to use the ancient power. But the road is long, his courage tested, and his hopes for the future, uncertain.

A novel unique in plot, surprises and twists throughout, and dramatic battles fought in ways never seen. New takes on action abound in this fast-paced original thriller.


P.S. My visibility is set on 'public.' What should I set it on so just Jericho readers can see?


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Replies (8)
  • Hello Rob - congratulations on getting so close to publication! I'm still a beginner at this, so will keep it short, but thought it might be helpful to give you a couple of "moments" where this doesn't quite work for me. In paragraph 2, I wondered briefly what "an evil bent" was, before working out the grammar - is there a better way of phrasing this, so "bent" doesn't read like a noun? And you probably don't need to tell me here about Lord Duncan MacDonald - keep the focus on the pendant.

    Then in your final paragraph, for me, the phrases "unique in plot", "in ways never seen" and "new takes on action" strike me as trying too hard, if that makes sense. I have no experience in publishing so others might have more wisdom and disagree, but I wonder if you're best letting "original" do the work in that paragraph, rather than risking claiming too much. Something like, "A tightly-plotted novel, shot through with surprises, twists and dramatic confrontations. The action never lets up in this fast-paced, original thriller..."?

    Good luck!

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    • Great, Sue. I used your suggestions to the full. 'Original' is good, but it doesn't do the job I want. I'm stuck with it, though, because I can't explain in a blurb. One of the things in the book I'm most proud of is the later battle scenes. They really are fought as I have never read or seen before. Soooo different with graphic drama. But, my fate is in the lap of the gods. He he. Thanks again, Sue.

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    • HI Rob


      I'm not published and I'm not an expert but I think this blurb needs to make me desperate to read the book and I'm sorry but this doesn't. The premise is intriguing and I'm sure the manuscript is brilliant  - writing a blurb is always tricky - it needs to be short, snappy and compelling: - see the blurb for Gone Girl below - I didn't like the ending but I liked the book and the blurb is intriguing.


      Who are you?
      What have we done to each other?

      These are the questions Nick Dunne finds himself asking on the morning of his fifth wedding anniversary, when his wife Amy suddenly disappears. The police suspect Nick. Amy's friends reveal that she was afraid of him, that she kept secrets from him. He swears it isn't true. A police examination of his computer shows strange searches. He says they weren't made by him. And then there are the persistent calls on his mobile phone. So what really did happen to Nick's beautiful wife?

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      • Waa! Danny. Thanks for the guidance. After reading your example, I don't like mine much either (smiley face). Ditch one description says me.

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      • Hi Rob

        I feel you need to use broad strokes to tell the story and strip out all the little details, like how Lord Duncan was killed. That's too much information.

        Try looking at the blurb of some thrillers on amazon to get an idea.

        Here's the Da Vinci Code blurb: 

        While in Paris, Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon is awakened by a phone call in the dead of the night. The elderly curator of the Louvre has been murdered inside the museum, his body covered in baffling symbols. As Langdon and gifted French cryptologist Sophie Neveu sort through the bizarre riddles, they are stunned to discover a trail of clues hidden in the works of Leonardo da Vinci—clues visible for all to see and yet ingeniously disguised by the painter.

        Even more startling, the late curator was involved in the Priory of Sion—a secret society whose members included Sir Isaac Newton, Victor Hugo, and Da Vinci—and he guarded a breathtaking historical secret. Unless Langdon and Neveu can decipher the labyrinthine puzzle—while avoiding the faceless adversary who shadows their every move—the explosive, ancient truth will be lost forever.

        I'm also a little confused in your blurb as nobody seems to have found the pendant, yet the gods follow Angus. And why does this pendant have power? I think you're perhaps concentrating on the wrongs facts. 

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        • Yes, Kate. It's been scrubbed. Back to the drawing board. Thanks so much.

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        • Hi Rob, 

          I agree with Katie about using brushstrokes and that the current draft has too much irrelevant information for a blurb. It also lose effects for me as it seems to be a cross between a blurb and a review. Those are two different things a book blurb is not the place to give a review.

          The tricky thing with a blurb is to give enough information to entice the reader without being too vague but not too much information either.

          Kate and Danny have good ideas listing some specific blurbs. My suggestion would be to look at about 20 books similar to yours and study their blurbs.

          You asked about category as well and this sounds to me as Adult Urban Fantasy.

          Good luck!

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          • Thank you, L. Yes, I have work to do. I actually tried to follow a David Poyer blurb-failed miserably. Nevermind, the finished book can wait a few more weeks, or months. I received a great written compliment for the book last week, from a professional house, and my enthusiasm has run away with me. This game is tough. Writing a novel is just the start, isn't it? So much to learn with this game. Anyway, I thank you wholeheartedly, L.

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