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The Cloud: An incredible edit, thanks to JT

I meant to do this a couple weeks ago but thanks to work furlough and a broken unemployment, I ran out of my headache meds and have been detoxing something fierce so I hope Kate can forgive the long silence.
I first submitted Chapter 1 of The Cloud almost a month ago for review and critique. Several members of this wonderful community offered some excellent advice, pointing out things I hadn't considered before. One member in particular, Kate, was absolutely paramount in her suggestions and subsequent back-and-forth with me on ironing out all the things that I'd done wrong and showing me what I'd done right (and more importantly why it was right). Kate was so instrumental in changing my view of my writing that I felt it an honor and obligation to share her work with me here. Attached are two documents. The first is Chapter 1 as it originally appeared before any edits. Thanks go to John Dixon, Robert Pierce, Rick Yagodich and especially a monumental thanks to Kate for the second document which carries much of Kate's intelligence and skill in helping complete the edit. I've been so inspired by the help of all those in the original post that, even during this difficult period of detoxing, I've completed another 17 chapters with the new skill and knowledge I've acquired. So please, check out the before and after and see how wonderful you all have been.
My thanks and love to all,


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Replies (3)
  • What lovely comments to wake up to. Thank you. That's given me a lovely lift. It's nice to encounter someone who is open and receptive to ideas. It's definitely understanding the why something works that makes a difference. Once you've got that you can apply it to all your writing. And it sounds as if you're on fire. 17 chapters with headaches. Brilliant. I hope the detox is helping and good luck with the continuing editing. x Kate

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    • You're welcome, of course, but it will still be me thanking you for many moons to come.  The interaction was priceless and helped me in ways that drew me onto the internet (a place I avoid like... well crap, like the plague!).  My first few forays left me more confused than ever because there wasn't that interaction I needed.  Here, that changed.  Hopefully, I can be more active on the website as the dizziness, nausea, and that tingly feeling in the head continues to diminish (detox from a brain-chemical-altering maintenance drug really is the pits but oddly enough, my headaches have lessened in frequency although the ones I do get hurt more; not sure which I prefer more...)  Either way, I'm going strong on story in 10 minute microbursts because even with detox going, you and the others inspired me to be better.  For that, I'll always be grateful.

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    • Hi Stephen. I'm really glad to have made a small contribution to your edit, which is a huge improvement on what was already a good piece of writing! And well done on creating a further 17 chapters... that's a great achievement! Carry on the great work, and well done again!

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