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Critique of Elevator Speech

If at first you don't succeed!

 Story about a mentally ill woman’s desperate fight to escape her demons.

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Replies (6)
  • HI Carolette

    It's shorter but I feel it still doesn't tell the reader what the book is about - I posted in your last submission and still feel the same - An elevator pitch is a hook, what makes it unique? What is the central theme and how can you convey this in a sentence. 

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    • Hi Carolette, 

      I think the issue is you're trying to sum up your story instead of telling us what the book is about, which are two different things if that makes sense.

      For example, the pitch for No Time For Goodbyes would be: what if you wake up one morning and your whole family is gone. Or Harry Potter: orphan boy discovers he's a wizard and goes off on an adventures at Wizards's school.

      Elevator Pitch = the essence of the book, what it's about

      Blurb = sum up of enough of the story to entice to read more.

      I hope this helps.

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      • Agree - but just for the record, even if it's not a real pitch, it's a darn sight better written!

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        • I'm no expert at this kind of feedback, so please forgive me if I'm not actually helping, but here goes.

          I've used both the pitch above and your original pitch in another post to provide this feedback.

          Reading what you've written, I don't know what your novel is about and why it should matter to me to read it. I want an elevator pitch, or a back of the book blurb to draw me in, pique my interest. So, not having read your book, but having read your two pitches, I wonder if there is something of this in the mix?

          "Two things are important to Jane - a search for her father, and a desperate need to hold onto her fragile mental health. Obsession, betrayal and narcissism, along with her lover's drug addiction, are obstacles she must overcome in her modern day quest, and they threaten her self-respect and sanity in her hunt for the man who abandoned her."

          Does that help to suggest an alternative approach to the same words you are using? And does it help to elevate your pitch?

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          • If it's any help Carolette, I was listening to a webinar on how to get an agent hosted by a bona fide agent.  After giving us all the benefit of his wisdom he asked us to tell him what we were writing, which we all did.  One writer said she had a novel about a mermaid trying to do something, I forget what.  What caught my attention was that our agent flicked over all these one liner submissions and said "Ooh, a story about a mermaid, what's that?"  He was hooked.  

            Harry said it in his hook writing webinar too, and it's been said here too, what is it that it is unique?  When I read some of your work before the question it begged for me is "Why can't she get out of this cycle of abuse she invites".  So, is your hook "Story about a woman who invites abuse".  Or "Story about a woman who rescues herself from an addiction to abusive men".  I don't know, but is that what these stories are about?

            Good luck.  Keep trying

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            • Thank you for your suggestions Nigel. I've been toying with the very same idea and you've hit the nail on the head!

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