Dad, how I wish you had not gone.
Dad, how I wish you had stayed on.I had a fear last year. My gut feeling said something was not right.Will you be there with us next year? A thought would come to my mind again and again. And I would dismiss it as a pessimist imagination.
It was your birthday on ninth June 2016.
I in my heart had sensed that something was wrong.We celebrated your birthday to the very best. There was music , dance and wine on your eighty ninth birthday. I was very happy for you.
You had been a great father. In my distress, you were always there for me. Worst of your pains would not deter you from standing by me. You taught me to be kind, passionate and never to break the law. You stood by me and by your all children like a rock of Gibraltar.
The swelling in your feet that I noticed on your birthday was now increasing . I didn't like a bit of it.
Your face was telling a story that all was not well.Blood tests were all normal.I thought I could be wrong. May be I was over reading.And then you threw a bomb.Repeat testing a few days later was much worse.
You had my worst fears come true.
You were diagnosed to have a disease that I had always feared.
You decided to clean bowl me out.
A high grade acute myeloid leukaemia was the diagnosis. The doctor in me knew that this was my toughest battle. Many times I had fought with disease on your behalf and won. But this time I could sense a defeat for both of us. I never told you the diagnosis.
You possibly too had a hunch that all was not right.
The time had come.Treatment never worked.
Haemoglobin was dropping. Fever and chest infection had set in. You were getting breathless and were dependent on oxygen.
The final bells were ringing. Dilemma whether to put you on a ventilator or not came face to face. We decided against ventilatory support. I didn’t want your exit to be painful.
You hugged me and my brother. You were breathing your last breaths. You sang a lullaby that you always sang for me when I was a
child . Your breathing became more shallow.
You were passing out.And even in those last moments you were muttering my Mom’s account details. Something you wanted to say.You knew you were going.
I stood a silent spectator and you were gone.
Like mist you evaporated. The doctor in me had been defeated. I stood helpless.
I miss you today and I will miss you always.
Dad, I wish you could have stayed on.
How I wish, you had not gone. On 29th July 2016, you left us all, forty days after your birthday celebrations. But I still feel you are somewhere around. You are not gone.