hi Alex, I read both your documents this week. I'm still learning writing techniques myself and I'm not yet confident on giving detailed feedback, but I wanted to share my personal opinion:
I think you have quite a bit of work to do on the basics, such as punctuation and sentence structure. I have to be honest and say I think you need to go through it again and again, and probably a few more times after that, adding detail, working on your sentence structure and making it come to life.
Hopefully there are others here that will be able to give you proper constructive feedback on specific issues.
But... there's something about it... I did love it. You made me smile so much. I've read a lot great pieces on this forum in the last few days... but what stuck in my mind? Blobwoman!
Please keep working on it, you have a great imagination :D