Jimmy

Absolutely fantastic news, Caron. Well done!

Hi Penny. Sorry I'm, a bit late to the party. I attached some line comments for you, but like a donut I've only just noticed that you've posted an edited version. i shouldv'e read through first. I've kept the attachment in coz it took so long to do lol.

I haven't read your new version yet, so these comments are based on the first:

I think there's potential for a really good story there, but the ending left me a bit disappointed. You'll notice in the attachment that I hadn't commented from the fourth page, because I was really getting sucked in to the story at that point. The live action intrigued me and I wanted to know where it was going. Maybe something to think about, I.e. getting something to hook a bit earlier, then leave and go back to that draw. But I wanted the ending to leave me something to go away and really think about, and I didn't get that.

After reading the comments I know realise your narrator is male. For some reason I thought female the whole way through. I don't know why. Even with the concubine and the knight references. I was thinking she was a friend who secretly lusted over her but was afraid of rejection and God's views.

To be honest, I prefer the idea of him being female. Without trying to be funny, I picture him laying his legs across hers in that situation as more something a woman would do.

I really like Eddie's character, but would like to connect with the narrator a bit more. I realise Eddie is the stronger character, and the voice all round is great, but the narrator seems a bit overshadowed. Maybe that's the intention.

Like others have state, I would have liked to dig a bit deeper into the reason of their missing limbs and how it connects them. Not too much. If it was only Eddie with the disability, I think there'd be enough as it stands without backstory, with their relationship as the core. But as both have the misfortune I feel you need to build on that a little more.

There's some really good imagery in your writing and I think the voice is good, although i feel some contradiction with the language and his strict religious upbringing.

I hope this helps. I enjoyed reading it. I'll try to get around to reading the new version. Thanks, and well done for summoning the courage to share.

Great to have you here, Mir. You've no need to worry, this is a safe place to share your words. I'm sure your confidence will grow. You clearly have a talent that would be a shame to let go to waste. Whether you write for others or yourself, just writing is rewarding in itself.

Fantastic. Congrats, Susan.

Funnily enough I mentioned this to someone the other day. I could be wrong, but my interpretation of an elevator pitch is this:

Whenever someone asks what I'm writing about, I kind of freeze. So, the pitch is a short summary of the story that can be rolled off the tongue from memory with confidence, whether it's to your mates, family, a stranger in the lift, or that person who could give you a chance.

Not at all. Very valid points made there. I think I'll go with the short and sweet. It  better suits my style and personality. Straight to the point.

You could be too inquisitive, Jon lol. I'm not sure there has to be too much detail. Maybe a teaser could be enough to entice. If you look at the examples pitches of very famous books given on the Jericho site, you have 3 words, 7 words, up to maybe 25. Harry even states that a couple are not great pitches, but they work. 

https://jerichowriters.com/how-to-write-an-elevator-pitch-for-your-novel/

Great examples, Jon. The problem is I only have 25 words to play with.

Jess, the wife is very much part of it. After Will bringing the bloke into their lives, he worms his way into the trust circle through her, and plays Will off on her. But she eventually becomes the main protagonist when Will is estranged and she comes to realise what's happenning. She has to overcome her extreme social anxieties to deal with him herself. 

So much to cram into 25 words. My very first attempt was, A man discovers his new friend and neighbour wants his life. Short and sweet haha.

Thanks Libby. George is in fact Will's son. I'll have to try again to clarify it. He manipulates situations to make Will's family hate Will so that he can take over, but isn't interested in the boy, so tries to rid him.

That's right. In fact, if I remember rightly, it was one of your comments that made me research it.

Great news on the like, Caron.
Mmm, cheers for the help. I'll keep trying.

Thanks. What I'm trying to portray is that he wants the life Will has, with Molly as his daughter, but George isn't part of the plan, so he tries to gradually kill him with medication.