Hi Penny. Sorry I'm, a bit late to the party. I attached some line comments for you, but like a donut I've only just noticed that you've posted an edited version. i shouldv'e read through first. I've kept the attachment in coz it took so long to do lol.
I haven't read your new version yet, so these comments are based on the first:
I think there's potential for a really good story there, but the ending left me a bit disappointed. You'll notice in the attachment that I hadn't commented from the fourth page, because I was really getting sucked in to the story at that point. The live action intrigued me and I wanted to know where it was going. Maybe something to think about, I.e. getting something to hook a bit earlier, then leave and go back to that draw. But I wanted the ending to leave me something to go away and really think about, and I didn't get that.
After reading the comments I know realise your narrator is male. For some reason I thought female the whole way through. I don't know why. Even with the concubine and the knight references. I was thinking she was a friend who secretly lusted over her but was afraid of rejection and God's views.
To be honest, I prefer the idea of him being female. Without trying to be funny, I picture him laying his legs across hers in that situation as more something a woman would do.
I really like Eddie's character, but would like to connect with the narrator a bit more. I realise Eddie is the stronger character, and the voice all round is great, but the narrator seems a bit overshadowed. Maybe that's the intention.
Like others have state, I would have liked to dig a bit deeper into the reason of their missing limbs and how it connects them. Not too much. If it was only Eddie with the disability, I think there'd be enough as it stands without backstory, with their relationship as the core. But as both have the misfortune I feel you need to build on that a little more.
There's some really good imagery in your writing and I think the voice is good, although i feel some contradiction with the language and his strict religious upbringing.
I hope this helps. I enjoyed reading it. I'll try to get around to reading the new version. Thanks, and well done for summoning the courage to share.